And this is why I now work from home.
In the off chance you have ever had to suffer the soul crushing indignities of cubicle life, I offer you my thoughts on the most annoying people from the cube farm.
The Weezer. The Weezer is the person in the cube next to you who with every breath sounds like she is sucking air through a soap filled straw. Eight plus hours of her precarious grasp on life is enough to make you want to end your own.
The Cruncher. The Cruncher spends at least three hours a day SLOWLY chewing pretzel sticks or Doritos. Almost as annoying as the sound of him chewing his snack-food cud is the 120 decibel crumple of the bag after he finishes.
The Stench. The Stench is the guy who eats his home-made bowl of rotting Chinese food for lunch, EVERY day, the very smell of which could turn off a starving maggot.
The Grunter. The Grunter has to clear her throat every 36 seconds ALL DAY. She sounds like an antelope in heat. NEVER sit next to the grunter.
The Freak. The Freak is the guy with zero self control for the daily frustrations of his job. He randomly will slam his phone, shout obscenities or even beat his head against his wall. The thin, cardboard wall that the two of you share.
Captain Annoying. Captain Annoying will spend a good 45 minutes at a time leaning on your doorway, chatting away, despite the mountain of work you need to complete or the personal phone call you would rather be making.
The Manicure. The Manicure will clip her nails at her desk, every f***ing day of the year. And every disgusting "clip" "clip" "clip" is like a needle stuck into your temple. Magically, this woman has nails that grow at least four inches hourly, and almost certainly has 36 fingers and at least as many toes judging by how long the daily grooming process takes. Never, EVER sit near her cube lest an errant nail shaving launched from her clippers clears the five foot barrier between you and lands in your latte. Or your eye.
Comments
Oh my. This a riot.
I sit by a 'grunter' who I keep thinking is trying to get my attention in the "ahem" kind-of-way. I guess they're just phlegmy.
Posted by: jim (kaya) | November 19, 2003 10:57 AM
I don't know how many times I was licensing a cracked up hooker to give "massages", and had to stop the process, whisper,"I'm sorry, I am going to have to go barf", and waddle to the bathroom.
What's my cubicle personality?
Posted by: melly | November 19, 2003 11:04 AM
I am some sort of disgusting hybrid of the Freak & Captain Annoying. Just call me Lumberg--Lumberg with a tiara
Posted by: Sabrina_C | November 19, 2003 11:56 AM
WOW, and I thought *I* was high strung ;p
Posted by: cassie | November 19, 2003 01:06 PM
My God, Jim. Have you been secretly spying on my office again? Because if not, it is a sad world that we live in when these people are in every single cubicle farm.
Posted by: Kat | November 19, 2003 01:21 PM
Power Shmuck - this Gomer has no idea how loud he talks. Add to this the sheer force with which he slams the cradle back on the receiver. That combined with the obscenities he hurls make it a sheer joy to work within earshot of this fine specimen.
Posted by: Marta | November 19, 2003 03:58 PM
::shuts her door and cranks up the Pennywise to drown out the miserableness exuding from those in cubicle life::
Posted by: dvl | November 19, 2003 04:30 PM
OMG, totally. I've heard a clipper in every office I've been in. What is it about some people that makes them think other people want to hear or think about them cutting their fingernails? At least, I hope it's only fingernails -- toenails would be disgusting squared.
Posted by: Beth | November 19, 2003 11:19 PM
*Additional note*
Very happy with my nice office with personal air con, view of the forest and balcony!
Posted by: cassie | November 20, 2003 06:41 AM
what about the Eavesdropper? the person who feels that since her cube is next to yours, that all conversation includes her at any moment she wants to participate. whether it be shooting the shit or work meetings, every DAMN time. and doesnt wait for a pause in convo, just decides to cut anyone off im mid-sentence to give her 2 cents or derail the convo completely.
ARRRRRRGH!
Posted by: kristin | November 20, 2003 09:38 AM
I think I am the freak. Isn't that what those padded walls were for? To hit without the company having risk of being sued for injury? :P Good thing I'm not corporate monkey miss anymore I guess. I'd drive you nuts.
Posted by: tassy | November 20, 2003 12:52 PM
i sit next to "the manicure"...she sits facing me as she clips her nails and apparently has decided that we all LIKE the look of her nail clippings laying on the burgandy carpet around our desks...
Posted by: shannon | November 20, 2003 02:57 PM
Typhoid Mary/Andy - Typhoid Mary/Andy has 9 runny-nosed rugrats at home, in addition to running a home day care during their non-cubicle work hours. This coworker will carry every germ, disease and illness known to hunman kind, and will bring them all to work to share via their constant sneezing, hacking and coughing. Extra bonus illness points for you if you let them use your phone, desk or computer keyboard
Posted by: Blogeois | November 20, 2003 05:33 PM
I once had a boss that clipped his nails while I was in a meeting with him in his office. Totally Tacky!
And he couldn't stop staring at my breasts. And they really aren't that big. But his wife is almost flat chested so that may explain it.
When I worked in a office that had cubicles the worst offense was I once suspected the guy in the next cubicle of eating a banana I had left on my desk overnight.
A few days later I found the rat-gnawed remains of the banana behind my stack of trays.
Then about a week later we found the dead rat behind the file cabinet in his cubicle. I'm glad I didn't eat the banana - lord knows where I would have dropped.
Actually, the company put out rat poison.
But I had unusually good luck with the cubicle people in my area. I was the only woman in the department and we were total rebels. Got away with murder. No one else in the company knew or understood what we did.
Posted by: susan | November 23, 2003 09:12 PM