and i don't care if you don't know one. this is the internet for petesake. find one. look, i don't ask a lot. and no lame email forwards we have all seen 472,000 times. i want a good dirty joke.

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving
her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices
that there is a
response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened,
telling him, "Crazy as
this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick
and bring her out
of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that
they'll close the
curtains for privacy, besides it's worth a try! The
hubby finally agrees
and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines . .
. no pulse . . .
no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The
husband is standing
there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked...

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

lick-a-lot-a-pus

Man walks into bar,walls are all covered with an hides. He tells the bartender, I bet I can tell you what eash one is and what killed it blind folded for a dink on each one. Bartender said your on. The man is placed in front of each one and sure enough he gets it right and so on etc. The man goes home walleyed! Gets in bed and thats all he rembers. The next morning he gets up and his eye is swellon shut. He looks at his wife and states man I know I was drunk last night but on don't rember a fight. His wife said the fight was here in bed! What happend he said. You got in bed put your hand down my pants and said Bufflo Killed with axe. Thats when I hit you in the eye!!!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he wouldd like to buy - a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

Some silly political quotes:

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's
positions on civil liberties in the original German."
-- Bill Maher, on Schwarzenegger running for Governor.

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not,
because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said, if his father
wasn't
a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
Bill
Maher

"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to
his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger.
Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger." David Letterman

"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country.
People in Florida are laughing at us." Jay Leno

"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day
vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas and on the first day of
his vacation he went fishing. He didn't find any fish but he believes
they're there and that his intelligence is accurate." David Letterman

"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years,
and we don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell?" Jay Leno

"President Bush held his first full press conference in over 5 months
this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much,
much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has
not yet been captured.
And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'" Jay Leno

"President Bush is leaving to go to Crawford, Texas, for a 35-day
working vacation. This should go over big with all the people taking a
can't-get-work vacation." David Letterman

"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President
Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?"
David Letterman

"President Bush's economic team is now on their jobs and growth bus
tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is
for the guy driving the bus." Jay Leno

"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional
9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy.
Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." Jay Leno

Love,
Devorah
(Still waiting for my special photo)

What's the definition of the word indefinitely???
When your balls are smackin' against her ass... You're indefinitely.

What's the definition of the word indefinitely???
When your balls are smackin' against her ass... You're indefinitely.

A man is driving down a picturesque country road when he sees a sign for a fresh fruit stand advertising strawberries, apples, and 'peaches, any flavor'.

Intrigued, he pulls up to the fruit stand and walks up to the farmer behind the counter.

"What's this about peaches, any flavor?"
"That right sir, we've got peaches in any flavor. Do you want to try a sample?"
"Sure"

The farmer reaches behind the counter and pulls out a peach "Try this one, it's cookies & cream"

The man looks skeptical but takes a bite anyway "This just takes like cream, no cookie" The nods and says "Turn it around"

The man arches and eyebrow but takes a bite of the other side of the peach. Sure enough, cookie!

The man is impressed but is convinced there can't be *every* flavor. "Do you have peanut butter & jelly?"

The farmer nods and hands him another peach; the man takes a bite.

"This just tastes like peanut butter!"

The farmer smiles "Turn it around"

Sure enough, the other side of the peach tastes like jelly.

Now the man really wants to stump the farmer so he thinks for a moment and then whispers "Do you have any peaches that taste like pussy?"

The farmer reaches behind the counter and hands him the third peach; the man takes a bite eagerly. He immediately starts to sputter and spits the bite of peach out on the floor, outraged: "That tastes like shit!"

The farmer simply shakes his head: "Turn it around".

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He asked her why she was going.

She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free".

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?".

"I''m going too!", he replied.

"Why?", she asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!".

What do you call a blow job that last for seven days?

Hanukkah Lewinksy

Ill...but funny

Two lovers are in bed glistening with sweat after a particularly vigorous lovemaking session.

The girl looks over to her lover and asks, "Honey, what does pedophelia mean?"

The guy just smiles and replies, "My, that is an awful big word for an eight year old."

A man and his wife stay at a hotel. At checkout, the man asks for the total and the cashier says 450$.

The man is outraged. "You want 450$ and all we did was sleep?"

The cashier says, "Well sir, we are the finest hotel in the city. We have a full gym, heated pool, free video rental, high speed internet, and a bar in every suite."

The man says, "but I didn't use any of that stuff!"

The cashier replies, "Sir, it was available for you to use at anytime."

The man is flustered, but writes a check.

The cashier takes the check and says, "Sir, this check is only for 200$."

The man says, "I charged you 250$ for sleeping with my wife."

The cashier says, "Sir I didn't sleep with your wife."

The man says, "Yeah, but she was there all night and I would have let you."

A guy walks into a bar with a large bag. He takes a seat at the bar and pulls out a miniature piano. He then reaches into the bag and pulls out a small man dressed in a tuxedo. The small man sits down at the piano and he starts to play.
The bartender says, "Hey that's pretty neat! where did you get him?"
"I got him from this." the guy says and pulls a magic lamp out of bag.
"Wow!" says the bartender, "can I use it?"
"Sure," the guy says and hands him the lamp.
The bartender rubs the lamp and out comes a genie.
"What is your wish, master?" says the genie.
"I want a million bucks," says the bartender.
"Your wish is my command." There is a puff of smoke and the bar is filled with million ducks.
"Hey," says the bartender, "that's not what I wished for!"
The man says, "Do you think I actually wished for a 12 inch pianist?"