The lubrication isn't just for the car.
So I've been car shopping again. My lease on the Mustang is ending this spring, and the Ford dealership has already begun calling me, wondering just what I might want to do next. I promise whatever I decide it won't involve them. $200 bucks to replace a lug nut? How many times have I called to be removed from your ridiculous mailing list that informs me every three weeks that according to your "records" my car needs an oil change? Your records are about as reliable as the psychic hotline, and I don't feel like driving an extra 30 miles just to change my goddam oil. Leave me alone.
Regardless of how much I don't like those tards at Tuttle-Click, I have enjoyed the car overall. The engine note on a GT is always a treat, a nod to those heady, mulleted days back in the Tucson sun when an REO Speedwagon T-shirt and a big block muscle car were all you needed to score with the hottest stoner chick in the skin-tight Rag City Blues. And then of course I do spend most of the summer with a tan and shiny bean. But a white-on-white-on-white convertible is really not the ideal vehicle for a rock climber.
And I think I need something a whole lot less gay. The vinyl pants are more than enough for now.
I just need to resolve the conflicting desires I have regarding transportation. Part of me wants to go get a Pathfinder or a Touareg or an Audi All-Road or a 4-Runner or something else that will haul my bikes and bags and tents and can survive the trip to Black Velvet Canyon or Holcomb Valley or Paradise Forks. I don't need to be fording rivers in the outback or anything, but take a convertible down a wash boarded fire road and your car will soon have more squeaks and rattles than McCaughey nursery. The sextuplets? 1997? The woman with the bad teeth? Ok, dated reference. Whatever.
But then there's the side of me that positively lusts for 60 MPH corners and horsepower on demand. A car that can turn or stop or go when and how I want. Problem is those cars can't always go WHERE I want. I suppose what I REAAAAAALY want is an M3 or an S4 but frankly, I'm too cheap to drop $50K on an automobile. Oh but just think of the chicks! I wouldn't have enough seats in the car for all of them.
So anyway, I have been test driving cars lately. I really hate the whole process of car shopping. Is there anything good about that experience? How is it that the second most expensive purchase most of us ever make is designed to make us feel miserable and used? I get better service from the condescending, socially detached Marilyn Manson disciple with the nose ring and the blue hair at the local Starbucks than I do from Leisure Suit Larry and his soulless brethren at the Nissan dealer. I swear walking into your average car dealership is like walking into a really bad night club. You know every one in the room just wants to fuck you.
How come when we are about to spend up to half our annual income on a purchase we aren't treated with a little more patience and respect? I can walk into a Wal-Mart and have grandma take my hand and escort me to a private meeting with the store manage should my Coke from the lunch counter turn out to be a trifle too flat. I only get to see the manager of a car dealer if I protest too loudly the presence of the salesman's hand in my shorts.
Is there any dealer that can be friendly and informative for potential customers even if they just want a test drive? I am not ready to buy now. But I will be later. I can't make an informed decision until I know what my choices are. And yet if I mention this when I walk on the lot, the bastards suddenly develop one word vocabularies. I have had sales people refuse to look me in the eye. How come I seem to know more about the suspension than you do? I had one actually say to me "are you through" while I was asking him questions about a particular model I was interested in driving. A VW dealer once told me his cars were just as good as BMWs because they were all German. Should I assume the same for Ferrari and Fiat? I even had a salesman say to me in mid-negotiation on a Mitsubishi Eclipse, "do you know how much pussy you are gonna get in this car?"
No. But I know how much dick I'm getting trying to buy it.
Is there any dealership that won’t make you feel like meat? Is there ANY goddam salesperson who can make a best, first offer and NOT have to "check with the manager" just to get a friggin price? And why do I have to spend two hours negotiating this crap? $455 bucks a month for a 36 month lease payment on a Mitsubishi? With $3500 down?
Look Spanky, I may be a writer but I still took those math classes.
I really think I'm going to try to buy a car online this year. Anything I can do to keep from going through the soul sucking negotiations with those retail whores.
Comments
"No. But I know how much dick I'm getting trying to buy it."
Brilliant! Thank you for saying so well what I went through last year.
Posted by: Blogeois | November 11, 2003 11:29 AM
You made gramma take you to the manager at Walmart because you're coke was flat????
Posted by: yvonne | November 11, 2003 11:46 AM
Think BMW X5. It's big enough for all your chicks and bikes and stuff. It's got all wheel drive for those off road experiences. It handles like a sports car. People will think you're cool. You only have to change the oil every 15,000 miles....and they do it for FREE!
The BMW dealers don't seem as slimey as other dealers I've bought cars from over the years.....they actually seemed quite civilized, and were able to make a deal quickly at a price that was lower than what I had expected to pay.
The bare bones X5 will run you around $40K. You should get one!
Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr | November 11, 2003 12:05 PM
And a bit of trivia: Enzo Ferrari actually drove a Fiat for most of his life, and originally started out racing for team Fiat.
Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr | November 11, 2003 12:14 PM
oh jim. mustang=not gay.
Anything BMW, anything Audi, the new Touareg= all gay.
a not-gay car would probably be a Dodge Caravan, in which case you might a lesbian.
Posted by: brent | November 11, 2003 12:30 PM
hmmm....maybe that triple white mustang is just south beach gay.
can i be an honorary lesbian? not like with the raging mullet sporting types, but with bisexual porn chicks and strippers?
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | November 11, 2003 12:37 PM
Car buying=no fun.
I was lucky, I had two dealers trying for my business. One was a friend's friend, and the other a client of my dad's. I just kept the lines of communication open letting each know the other's counter offers and for my trouble ended up getting free tinting, a 6 stacker CD player, roofracks, extended warranty and about $4000 off the price.
My recommendation - referrals from friends who've had a good experience.
Also, SUV? *shudder* Thought of a Subaru? Will do what you want, though not pull chicks (maybe the right kinda ones though?), and less of an environmental impact.
Posted by: cassie | November 11, 2003 01:40 PM
If you think about it, the more a sales guy gets from you the more he takes home to his family. I'm an ambitious guy, I put in long hours and believe in what I do. Luckily, I don't have to sell anything...man that would suck to make your living as a car salesman.
Posted by: ALX | November 11, 2003 02:34 PM
Jimbo, I'm getting really sick of you censoring yourself. Be more candid. Tell us what you really feel.
Posted by: Heather #2 | November 11, 2003 02:44 PM
i have to admit i scanned this post before i really read it. words that stuck out: "gay," "dick," and "leisure suit larry," and "spanky." needless to say, i kept reading.
Posted by: julia | November 11, 2003 02:54 PM
Audi Allroad, baby. I got mine (well ok, it's just an Avant) from Beverly Hills Audi and totally lucked out because the salesperson was this really cool chick who gave me no pressure or trouble and was really nice. On second thought, maybe it's because I am a hot chick and I was there with my lesbian lover.
Lesson learned: you should always try to buy cars when you are with hot girls who have sex with each other.
Posted by: Kat | November 11, 2003 03:02 PM
If you are considering an SUV, again consult your tax person, you may want to buy a bigger one. If it weighs more than 6,000 pounds its not a luxury auto and can be written of quickly.......... depends on other things.....
Posted by: HB | November 11, 2003 03:24 PM
For my two cents, I'd recommend the Lexus RX300. My dad has one and my brother had one. Remember? you actually rode in it once....Anyway, they handle the corners like a sports car, but are also big enough for all your climbing gear. Plus, chicks love the thing. Come to think of it, so do gay men - so you may get two for one with that deal!
Posted by: kg | November 11, 2003 04:28 PM
I've yet to meet any decent dealers in the LA area. My advice is to do your shopping when you're out of town somewhere. By the way, most Volkswagens are built in Mexico, so that guy was full of shit.
Posted by: sean | November 11, 2003 04:29 PM
the bmw salesman was great in phoenix on camelback when the m5 was purchased, if you're interested in coming here to get your car lemme know.
oh and by the way ~ *you* are a sales rep.
Posted by: tassy | November 11, 2003 10:40 PM
yeah, but i don't sell cars. i sell computer systems. and i don't have a clue about what i do. i'm honest about my dishonesty.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | November 11, 2003 10:44 PM
I thought the folks at the Saturn dealership treated me great, but of course there's no negotiation happening there. If you're in the $$, try Fletcher Jones right by you -- I believe they're obligated to kiss your ass. ;-) No idea about SUVs, however.
Posted by: Beth | November 11, 2003 10:45 PM
The VW factory in Mexico stopped rolling last month, or maybe it was that they just stopped making the original beetles ....
Posted by: cassie | November 11, 2003 11:14 PM
Pragmatic, roomy, reliable, yet enough pep, trim and reasonable pricing, fuel economy to make you feel good:
Honda Pilot
http://www.hondacars.com/models/model_overview.asp?ModelName=Pilot&bhcp=1&BrowserDetected=True
International-man-of-mystery-needing-tax-write-offs-meets-450HP-SUV:
Porsche Cayenne
http://www3.us.porsche.com/english/usa/cayenne/cayenneturbo/default.htm
Good luck, Jimbo!
Posted by: Rayne | November 12, 2003 07:38 AM
Dunno if you want a used car, but if you do, you might try buying one from one of the following:
1) Budget. High mileage, insanely low prices, no haggling. Bring your own financing or pay in cash.
2) Enterprise. Not-so-high mileage, middling prices, warranty included, no haggling. I think they finance, especially in concert with certain credit unions.
3) A Saturn dealer. Better-than-average prices and not much in the way of sleazy salesmanship. (Don't buy a Saturn, buy one of their used cars.)
Just my $0.02.
Posted by: Luis | November 12, 2003 08:42 AM
I am a great car-buyer. I planned to write a detailed "how to" for my own blog and just never did... maybe I should. I told everyone at work how I ripped the dealership for like $5k and they asked me how, etc. and then they went out and did it themselves. It's really easy, actually. Email me and I'll give you the low-down.
Posted by: mia | November 12, 2003 08:57 AM
Buy the M5. Use it to pick up a hottie with an SUV. Best of both worlds.
Buying an SUV and using it to pick up a hottie driving an M5 is less likely.
Do they have a category on matchmaker for "include picture of SUV"?
revision: Buy the M5. Use it to pick up a bi-hottie who got a great deal on an SUV while accompanied by her hot female lover. The three of you take corners fast in the BMW and vibrate along washboard together in the SUV. Nirvana.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 12, 2003 09:09 AM
Really don't want to get tacky here. But I assist a Fleet Manager at a Toyota dealership on the weekends, (And I still try to keep my day job).
I know what a pain it is since I see it in customers. If Toyota's call your attention, contact me and I promise you will not have to go through any of the retail dicks.
And since I'm in business, pc. of advice:
NEVER go to the sales ppl on floor, walk into a dealership and ask for the the Fleet Manager or someone in the Fleet dept. Fleet is always allowed to sell for dealer invoice or back of invoice, and retail is always to ask for permission for any sort of discount.
Good luck kid, don't let them get ya!
Posted by: Solita | November 12, 2003 10:17 AM
i'm really a succer for a guy with a truck.....even better a 4x4 truck
big truck=score chicks
by the way - what did your parents name the dog?
and.....no matter how many times i click the box that says "Remember info?" it never does....
Posted by: susan | November 12, 2003 10:45 AM
Back in 1997 I bought my late, lamented BMW Z3 at Costco.
Yeah, Costco.
They hook you up with a dealer, he gives you the Costco price, and you're done. In my case, that meant no additional markup despite the fact the Z3 was incredibly hot that year. Of course, they tried to sell me other stuff, but that was easy to deal with.
However, the next time I tried that, buying my Mustang Cobra, Costco couldn't help, for it wasn't on the list. So paid list (and got a car that was in the shop for a total of 8 months out of the next year--but the dealer gave me full Steeda suspension and a 100K warranty to keep me happy).
Anyway, you give Costco a try if you have one nearby. A membership is only $50, and even if you don't buy a car through them, there's something definitely orgasmo-capitalist about 50-gallon drums of ketchup.
Posted by: Dave Trowbridge | November 15, 2003 09:34 AM
Cars: When I wanted to buy a new car, I got free car prices when I went to this site. They had all of the used cars to look at and research. It was a big help when I used their used car classifieds to sell my car online. They also have information on the most popular cars. I like this blog design and info. If you're still interested in buying a car, I'd check out Automotive.com
Posted by: Joe Socamatto | November 19, 2003 11:57 AM
Actually, VW's are made in germany, usa, brazil, africa and mexico. most v-dubs in the states are made in, you guessed it america. you can tell thiss by the one on the first letter/number of the VIN number, german vw are 0 and mexico vw's are W. All parts are made in Germany at the VW/Auidi parts factory. Go with the toureg, sporty, bad ass of road, chicks dig it. especially the cute ones that drive jettas.
Posted by: Kenneth | December 24, 2003 12:29 AM
I just have one word... HUMMER!
Posted by: louie | May 25, 2004 11:22 AM