An Internet Christmas.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring except me at my mouse.
My towel was set by the laptop with care
In hopes internet porn soon would be there.
My body was nestled all snug in my bed
While visions of boobies bounced in my head.
One hand on the mouse and one hand in my lap
I had just settled in for a nice evening slap.
When out from my inbox arose such a clatter
I arose from my stupor to see what was the matter.
Away to that window I flew like a flash
Shut down explorer and cleaned out the cache.
The light from the glass made my eyes all a glow
As I gazed at my inbox now open below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a hundred new emails I now had to clear.
With so many messages, like some evil plan
I knew in a moment it all must be spam.
More rapid than eagles the emails they came
I cursed and I grumbled as I read them by name.
Cheap Xanex! Refinance! Hot Sexy Women!
Viagra! No Debt! Waistlines are slim'n!
From the top of the inbox, spam it was all.
To the trash! To the trash! To the trash with it all!
Like flies to a carnage, the spammers will fly
So much junk in my inbox, I wanted to cry.
To the max of my bandwidth the messages flew
For cheap toner cartridges and kiddy porn too.
As I read all the mail I went through the roof
I'd make millions in Nairobi, but they just wanted proof.
As I clicked and I dragged the messages around
I read of a lady who had sex with a hound!
New herbs that would make my dick long as a foot
And systems to make bad credit kaput.
Pills that would help flat girls grow a rack
Others to make lots of sperm fill my sack.
I learned of a girl that for now we'll call Terri
Who can be seen on the net busting her cherry.
Grants could be had for those in the know
On webcams big boobies young girls want to show.
As I deleted the junk, I just gritted my teeth
For the end of my patience I was starting to reach.
A new letter told me I could get rid of my belly
Another for condoms with spermicide jelly.
A message told me about a girl screwing an elf
And I laughed when I read it, in spite of my self.
Tonics to grow new hair on my head
With more messages arriving I had plenty to dread.
Not reading them all I went straight back to work
To delete the lot, and return to my jerk.
Tossing the notes for hot teens and debt woes
In the middle of it, my laptop, it froze!
Frustrated and angry I began to bristle
At the spammers I wanted to launch a missile.
You could hear me exclaim as I gave in with a sigh
Merry Christmas, you spammers, hope you get ass cancer and die.
Comments
you are the BEST!
Posted by: brent | December 9, 2003 07:03 AM
brilliant!
well done, Jim.
Posted by: peter | December 9, 2003 08:25 AM
freakin' brilliant.
Posted by: jenB | December 9, 2003 08:54 AM
ok everyone's already said you are brilliant, so i don't want to swell your shiny noggin any further. my question is, what is it with you and ass cancer? you have this thing about ass pain. i think you should talk to your therapist about this fixation.
:P~
Posted by: tassy | December 9, 2003 09:12 AM
i was the first--i was the sounding board--the rest of you are just minons that he uses after I declair greatness. also, i am hott. Which is why i get to make these executive decisions.
Posted by: Sabrina_C | December 9, 2003 09:42 AM
Ohhh, hot with 2 T's, she DECLAIRED.
That must be, like really, really hot.
Posted by: yvonne | December 9, 2003 10:24 AM
Bravo!!!!!
Posted by: Halcyon | December 9, 2003 11:06 AM
This is absolute genius!
Posted by: madlizard | December 9, 2003 12:35 PM
*sniff* beautiful... that's bound to be a holiday classic (blowing nose in hankie). Ass cancer for all! And to all a good night!
Posted by: mia | December 9, 2003 01:12 PM
::grinning from ear to ear::
I'm impressed beyond words. I didn't think you wrote rhymes! :-D
Posted by: April | December 9, 2003 01:31 PM
HAHA! Nicely done my man.
It's a rare gift to bring up weight-loss, penis-growth, elf-fucking and ass cancer in one playfully rhyming gem.
Posted by: jim (k a y a) | December 9, 2003 01:49 PM
My eye!
Posted by: melly | December 9, 2003 02:32 PM
superb effort... maybe you should quit your day job?!?!
Posted by: lvg | December 9, 2003 03:04 PM
Most enjoyable. Sometimes you are just freakin' funny.
Posted by: Your lil sis | December 9, 2003 03:13 PM
lvg, if i can find a way for me to do that and STILL live in newport, i think i just might.
hell.
i just might anyway.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | December 9, 2003 03:25 PM
Very funny. Were you that clever growing up? I don't recall. Ass cancer to all.
Posted by: Sherri | December 9, 2003 03:35 PM
See what comes of setting aside the porn for a few minutes? sheer genius!
You've clearly missed your calling if you don't do this for a living.
Heh. Wonder if Hallmark would want to do a "Happy Ass Cancer" card...??
Posted by: Rayne | December 9, 2003 06:27 PM
hear ye hear ye...
from hence forth and all the christmases to come...when ever you hear a bell ring...
someone has gotten ass cancer and died.
p.s you must be the next shel silverstein
Posted by: ladymidori | December 9, 2003 08:23 PM
I think that about covers it. Again, brilliant!
Posted by: Amy | December 9, 2003 10:13 PM
ass cancer sure is a popular subject on here, i wonder if its the new black for the season...
Posted by: Chloe | December 9, 2003 11:13 PM
Wonderful! heeheeheehee...
Posted by: Wifey | December 10, 2003 05:25 AM
Aren't you a smart boy! Cute, very cute. And applies to so many people too.... amazingly this is flying around the internet already through email as the next "Fwd:" of the week!
Posted by: Joy | December 10, 2003 07:13 AM
-giggling. hard-
Posted by: Marisa | December 10, 2003 07:48 AM
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is a nice poem.
But what I want to know is did you get to the porn? I mean you kind of left us on the edge of our seats, man.
Posted by: Ed | December 11, 2003 06:17 AM
Three words for you, darling,
FAB U LOUS.
You are a genius.
Alex.
Posted by: Alex | December 12, 2003 06:52 AM
I don't think that's funny at all. I am currently suffering from ass cancer and it's no laughing matter.
Just kidding. That was a moving piece of verse.
Posted by: Greg | December 16, 2003 08:36 AM
CREATIVE BUT....
As his brother I'm not sure if I'm proud of my big brother to talk about his porn habbit so openly or if I should bow my head and go back to learning how to kill Sadam and his buddies.
Maybe we should do an anal probe on him...Sadam that is...
Ken P.
Posted by: Jim's Brother | December 16, 2003 10:06 PM