gooOOOOOOO whatever.
I’m not necessarily the picture of the prototypical American male. In case, you know, you haven’t noticed that already. Sure, I like a nice rack and fast cars and pizza and rock and roll and an elegant window treatment and finding a bargain on a pretty, strappy pair of pumps like most American boys, but beyond that, I’d like to think that I’m unique.
Most obviously, I don’t like sports. Wait, that’s not true. It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that I don’t really care about them. High school, college, amateur, professional, baseball, football, basketball, and God-help-me, hockey, frankly, I just don’t get it. I was never good at them as a kid, never felt any overwhelming desire to play them, and never had any interest in watching them on TV. I have never once read the sports page in the paper, I couldn’t name five quarterbacks playing professionally today, I haven’t watched more than four Super Bowl games in the last decade, I have never been to a basketball game, and I could probably recognize more porn stars than baseball players - although I probably shouldn’t admit to that.
Keep in mind, I’m not talking about athletics or athleticism. I spend at least two hours a day typically five or six days a week doing something athletic, and I’m not talking about high-impact masturbation to jazzercise videos. But I think that counts too. I just tend to do sports that are more internally competitive. How hard can I climb? How fast can I ride? Can I make it up that hill without something bad happening, like dying? How many minutes do I have to sit on this Life Cycle to keep those tofu chili dogs from ending up on my hips?
Maybe because I was never really that coordinated or maybe because I was never really good at any game that involved a ball or maybe because I was less than 120 pounds until my second year of college and spent way too much time taking shit from meathead jocks in junior high. Then again, I don’t mind the shit I took from them. What comes around goes around. Most of them haven’t seen their abs in more than a decade and can’t make a lap around the Home Depot without getting winded. I can still look in the mirror and see the same body I had in college. So hey lard-o, bite my perfect, muscular, 32 year old ass. Fucker.
Sorry, I digress. We were talking about sports. We can talk about my muscular ass later. I did spend most of my youth swimming competitively, lettered in high school, but never really had the motivation to be all that good at it. I used to enjoy watching the San Francisco 49ers during the 80s and 90s, but I suspect that was more because I felt like I had to have a team to support than because I really wanted to support a team. And honestly, who couldn’t enjoy “Montana, Rice, TOUCHDOWN!” Or watching Ronnie Lott just knock some poor defenseless wide receiver into a coma.
So with that in mind, I have certainly enjoyed moments in sport. Dan Jansen getting his Olympic gold in ‘94, Keri Strug and that vault on a broken foot in ‘96. The McGuire/Sosa homerun race. The Angels world series win. The final two minute, 90+ yard, Joe Montana drive to win the 1989 Super Bowl. Highlight reels are entertaining, almost nothing beats seeing a double or triple play happen live, and watching Michael Jordan make, well, everyone look like they were moving in slow motion was as beautiful as ballet. But in the end it’s all just entertainment, and aside from those moments of spectacular athletic artistry or competitive drama, it all just seems like a whole lot of sitting.
I’m not so keen on sitting. It seems to me that passion for sport is just a way for people to live vicariously through someone else’s accomplishments instead of making their own. Sure, I love watching Chris Sharma send a 5.15 route, but I promise my first 5.11 was far more exciting. Chris Sharma is perhaps the best climber in America (possibly the world) and 5.15 is the single most technically difficult route (on a scale of 5.0 to 5.15) ever climbed by a human - for all of you staring at the screen blankly right now. He remains the only person to have done this. Surfing videos are always fun, but the first time I paddled a body board into a fifteen foot set was without a doubt one of the most terrifying and subsequently memorable moments of my life.
But I guess that’s why they are called spectator sports. It’s right there in the title. It’s about being a spectator. It’s all a lot of watching and not a lot of doing. Frankly, I’d rather be doing. Sure, it’s fun to cheer the porn stars, but I’d rather be getting laid.
Maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe it’s about the sense of belonging, a spirit of community or brotherhood that comes from being a fan. Maybe it’s a way to be part of something bigger than we are. Maybe it’s a way to feel in someway connected to the dreams we had as kids. Maybe sport is just an arena for the display of the qualities we find most (and lately least) desirable and honorable as humans.
Maybe it’s about wearing stupid hats, drinking massive quantities of beer and screaming obscenities and other people without fear of ridicule or repercussion.
Maybe I’m just not a man. I also don’t like beer, billiards, steak, fast food, theme parks, suburban living, chain-restaurants, golf, monster trucks, professional wrestling, hunting, fishing, Las Vegas, anything made by GM, dumb, violent action movies, Republicans, I have never been to a strip club, and honestly, I do actually like tofu.
Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted to any of this, cause I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get kicked out of the union as a result.
Comments
I've always wondered about the watching versus the doing myself. Great topic!
But I have a question about the "on a scale of 5.0 to 5.15" thing. Am I going batty, or wasn't there a 1 through 4 with that, too? I seem to remember being on a date at a rock climbing gym and practically running up the 1.0 route (it was my first climb, and my date underestimated me, I guess).
Posted by: April | December 2, 2003 08:04 PM
sorry. no number 1 through 4 in the us yosemite decimal rating system. after 5.10, all the grades have sub-grades of 5.10a, .10b, .10c, and .10d, but that's about it.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | December 2, 2003 08:29 PM
I knew it. I'm going batty.
Posted by: April | December 2, 2003 08:49 PM
You don't like Monster Trucks? What's not to like? I mean, they're classy, elegant, beautiful representations of the inadequacies of the men who enjoy the sport. It's ART.
Posted by: mrjerz | December 2, 2003 09:07 PM
Hmmm - maybe I *am* a man - I like beer (only good beer, none of that American shit), I like pool/billiards, some theme parks, and dumb action films.
And that tofu better be done in a garlic, chilli and satay sauce!
Posted by: cassie | December 2, 2003 10:34 PM
hmmmm, your version of watching sports sounds strangely familiar:
"wearing stupid hats" (MULLET WIG)
"drinking massive quantities of beer" (SANGRIA, JELLO SHOTS, ETC.)
"screaming obscenities and other people without fear of ridicule or repercussion" ('WOOING' THE SKANKY NEIGHBOR GIRL)
♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡♥
Posted by: dvl | December 2, 2003 10:50 PM
you're a man, not an animal.
and chris sharma is hot hot hot! =)
Posted by: brent | December 3, 2003 07:16 AM
To correct Brent: you're an animal, not a man.
Please do talk more about the perfect curvature of your ass.
And umm...I consider rock climbing and hiking a 'sport'. Not everyone can do them, and they require practice and skill. Silly goose...you're a rock jock.
Posted by: jimbo | December 3, 2003 07:19 AM
You are the Siskel and Ebert of porn (j/k, but you know what I mean), but have never been to a strip club. How is that?
Posted by: Glovia | December 3, 2003 08:11 AM
This post is too long.
Posted by: anonymous melly | December 3, 2003 09:27 AM
dvl, what happens in newport, STAYS in newport.
and melly, you can kiss my long post.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | December 3, 2003 09:55 AM
Funny -- I think you and Mark Morford may both get kicked out of the union. But at least you could play poker together:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2003/12/03/notes120303.DTL&nl=fix
(sorry for the format -- comments won't allow for hyperlinked text)
Posted by: bridget | December 3, 2003 09:56 AM
good call bridget! what a coincidence!
Posted by: brent | December 3, 2003 10:11 AM
You've never been to a strip club? Dude, you need to remedy that. I can give you some recs :P
I'm the same way. I always preferred doing to watching--reaching my own personal goals is far more satisfying than watching someone else reach theirs. Ironically though, the doing led to a greater appreciation for the watching. As I get older I realize how incredible it is to see Jerry Rice run the way he does at 41 years of age.
I think another aspect of watching team sports is comraderie--people want to feel a part of something. They identify themselves with their team. "I'm part of the Dawg Pound", a Brown fan will say. If you're that independent, that aspect of spectator sports doesn't get to you.
Posted by: sean | December 3, 2003 10:51 AM
Ok, I take back my marriage proposal from a few weeks ago. We're obviously not compatable if you don't like beer, billards, monster trucks, violent action movies and especialy LAS VEGAS! I mean, who doesn't like vegas? Damn, the 909 really has soaked into every inch of my body hasn't it? I'm so ashamed!
Posted by: Appleshell | December 3, 2003 11:50 AM
Sports are a reflection of the cultural zeitgeist of America. I am learning about American sports simply to understand much of the slang in the language. - Nice blog posting, Jimbo!
Posted by: Noggie | December 3, 2003 01:34 PM
I'll take Appleshell's marriage proposal instead, then. I've never been to your site before but you got me with that post. I'm currently taken, but he likes beer and steak and fast food and all the rest (except the suburban living), so maybe I should consider disposing of him. Irreconcilable differences, you know.
Posted by: lee | December 3, 2003 04:22 PM
Really? Do only men do those things? I love my sports and beer but also seriously like tofu. Nah, I'm just ribbin' ya. You got me last time, and you won't do it again!! Very funny...
Posted by: Anna | December 3, 2003 05:14 PM
"Fucker."
lol.
Great post. I'm going to start stealing your work as passing it off as my own.
Posted by: Halcyon | December 3, 2003 05:32 PM
I don't think that is uncommon in the least. I'm pretty sure every guy I have ever dated or been close friends with has had absolutely zero interest in sports. In fact, I can only think of one guy I have ever been friends with who did like sports, and he was only into hockey.
My old roommates did all decide that they would watch the superbowl in order to reaffirm their manhood once a few years back, but really it was more of an excuse to drink a ton of beer and eat junk food all day, so I'm not sure that counts.
Posted by: jennn | December 3, 2003 09:05 PM
It seems to me that guys strip down to bare skin, paint numbers or I LOVE THE RAIDERS on their chests, then concentrate on watching a bunch of guys running around in tight pants who are sweating and throwing water over their heads, all the while getting drunk with their friends, then every once in a while pressing their naked, painted chests together and clasping hands in jubilation when goals are made, have more to worry about in the realm of manhood than you Jimbo.
Posted by: Chloe | December 4, 2003 09:39 PM
Jimbo-
I am down with you like you would never believe. Sports, wrestling, monster trucks, hunting, fishing and all. (Beer being the only thing I am in disagreeance, and then it has to be Sierra Nevada or Guiness)
I am secure enough in what I have, that I don't need to affirm it. It is not like the ladies need to be convinced otherwise either. :-P
Posted by: Ed | December 5, 2003 12:18 PM
Sissy boy.
Posted by: Heather #2 | December 5, 2003 01:14 PM
It's posts like this one that make me wonder how in the hell we are related. I still to this day can't understand your dislike and ambivalence towards sports. Hockey is only the MOST FABULOUS sport to watch live...baseball a close second. Sundays ought to only consist of football...and every September and October scheduled around baseball playoffs. Sports = passion, excitement, entertainment, enthusiasm, team spirit, healthy (or not so healthy) rivalries, great conversation and debate...not to mention (if knowledgable on the topic) a great way to get a date!
Posted by: Your Lil Sis | December 5, 2003 01:17 PM
Everyone:
Long blog post on climbing ratings. Everyone else, scroll on to the next post.
April:
Sorry to be a little late on this but here is the scoop on climbing ratings. You are correct, there are actually 6 classes of climbing. Class 1 = walking on pavement, Class 2= walking in the woods (you have to look down once in a while or you will end up on your face). Class 3 = hiking over consistently uneven/rocky terrain. Class 4 = you have to use your hands to steady yourself, crawling uphill on all fours.
Jim's stuff, Class 5 = you need a rope and you are going straight up. They then break up class five as jim stated, from 5.1 to 5.15. Note class 5 you are climbing by holding onto the rock with your hands and feet. Then there is class 6. In class six, you cannot climb the rock itself (such as a perfectly smooth rock face) but instead have to drive/drill permanant/semipermanant anchors into the rock and climb on those.
Class six is also referred to as "aid" climbing and climbs are rated either by the 6.1 - 6.15 scale or "A1" to "A5", depending on what nomenclature you use.
:)
Posted by: Jim's climber friend in AZ | December 8, 2003 09:50 AM