Digital Dating.
So I'm giving digital dating another go. I tried it a year or so ago for the first time with limited success at best. Pretty much the same results as in my analog romantic life. The occasional date, sometimes getting lucky, but for the most part spending my evenings alone and masturbating to internet porn. I was motivated to give this online dating another go when my sister put up a profile and had like 10,000 hits in pretty much an hour. Admittedly her tits are way better than mine, so maybe that should be expected. Still, I'm the internet geek in the family, so I figured I had better get on top of online dating thing.
Three weeks later I'm just about to break 100 hits.
Woo.
My repeated postings of beefcake photos here notwithstanding, I'm clearly not as hot as I would like to think I am. Eh. I promise this doesn't exactly come as a surprise. That being said, maybe I'm not making the best impression on the site. it's a weird process finding the right words and pictures to sell yourself as a potential mate. And do you know how hard it is for me to find a picture of me where I'm not wearing a bandana and hanging off a rock or in black vinyl pants? Then again, if the object is to present an accurate representation of myself, maybe those aren't bad choices.
Oh who am I kidding. Online dating services are only about dating and almost nothing about dating is honest. And certainly almost nothing on the internet is honest. I'm still waiting for my free Gap jeans as a result of my participation in that email tracking experiment in 1997.
It's the internet dammit. It's all two-dimensional almost totally fantastic and all about the boobs. Heh. A lot like dating after all. When it comes to dating, it's all sales. And selling is rarely ever all that honest. So, what's it gonna take to get you into my pants today?"
If I was to present a totally accurate picture of myself it would something like "SWM, bald and skinny with bad skin and way too much body hair, currently employed as yuppie scum in a job he hates, obsessively vegetarian, hyper-opinionated and Narcissistic, incapable of leaving scabs alone, spends way too much of his life masturbating to internet porn and/or writing about masturbating to internet porn on a very public website, enjoys weekends in a perpetual state of fear, swearing at the top of his lungs at the stupidity of climbing large, vertical rocks, seeking petite, leggy, intelligent but not too intelligent independently wealthy underwear model with auburn hair and blue eyes, a nice, firm rack and a nearly insatiable sexual appetite, into rock climbing, large drooly dogs, mountain sports, international travel to exotic, potentially dangerous locations, techno music, spontaneous blow-jobs, Dave Matthews, and no interest in ever living in a traditional, cookie-cutter suburban neighborhood. Adriana Lima a plus. Destitute dishonest Canadians need not apply.
I'm betting that's not gonna sell too well.
However, I was thinking maybe I should just link my Match profile to my blog considering how many people have told me they want to jump me as a result of this silly little thing. I mean really, it's at least two. Besides, I'm an unashamed internet whore. Why not solidify my status as the biggest whore in bloggerdom?
Like I have all that much competition in that department.
Of course, half of those people who told me they want to jump me are gay men so maybe linking this blog to my dating profile isn't exactly reaching out to my target audience.
Comments
solidify!
Posted by: tassy | January 10, 2004 03:42 PM
the "totally accurate picture" sounds pretty good; i'd think it would play well!
but what do i know, i'm one of those guys in the last paragraph, haha! =)
Posted by: brent | January 10, 2004 06:20 PM
As someone who has seen you in person, I would just like to tell you that you are clearly as hot as you like to think you are, if not hotter, and if you don't stop saying that you're not I will kick you in the shins.
I mean, come on. All the chicks at my party thought you were hella hot, and half of us were at least partially gay. That's saying something.
Posted by: Kat | January 10, 2004 07:21 PM
Just be you and let go of all your expectations.
Posted by: April | January 10, 2004 09:20 PM
I offer my services as someone who has edited personal ads for friends.
You know... if only you hadn't said "but not too intelligent", or "blue eyes", or "techno"....
Posted by: cassie | January 11, 2004 06:53 AM
I have the same problem. I've tried the internet dating thing, but I seem to be wearing a helmet in almost every photo taken of me.
Posted by: sean | January 11, 2004 07:04 AM
Hmm. I think there's some other issue; maybe you need some feng shui or an exorcist or something.
In the mean time, note this article:
http://www.corante.com/many/archives/2004/01/10/socialgrid_much_much_crazier_than_i_thought.php
Hang in there, Jimbo. She's out there.
Posted by: Rayne | January 11, 2004 02:01 PM
you had me at "yuppie scum"
*swoon*
;-)
Posted by: peter | January 11, 2004 09:00 PM
peter, you rule. and i still owe you a beer.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | January 11, 2004 10:04 PM
What's up with "not too intelligent"? Are you afraid of hyper-smart women, Jimbo? Is that why you stopped sending me postcards from exotic locations? ;)
Posted by: Elizabeth | January 11, 2004 10:26 PM
i had a naughty dream about you last night. you were pretty hot then, jimbo.
Posted by: heather | January 12, 2004 08:47 AM
I'm a single guy, and at times, it sucks (e.g. during meals, some showers and the 20 min before I fall asleep at night). But I had a really uplifting realization the other day. The next time I have sex, it will (most likely) be with someone I have never had sex with before. So that means I will get to experience all those wonderful first-time thrills. Like when I get the bra off for the first time and hear Handel's Messiah blaring in my mind as I get my first good look. I'll get to wonder about and then hear whatever kind of moan/scream/gasp/chirp she makes during orgasms. Will she tremble? Arch her back? etc. Plus, it'll open doors to what might come, and signify the start of something new and potentially lasting.
So look at the bright side all you single folk...we may not get regular sex, but that's not ALL bad.
Posted by: slap | January 12, 2004 10:40 AM
I think you should post it - just like that. You never know...
In fact, one of my friends* is into internet dating and she said she talked to this guy and they named a time and a place to meet... 20 minutes before she leaves, he IMs her and says "basically, I am looking to get laid tonight. I'll buy your drinks, your dinner, whatever... but I want to get laid tonight. Is that going to be a reality or what?" She said that she didn't begrudge him at all, because at least he was honest and didn't waste time with all the "omg... I like cookies too!" crap.
*my friend is REALLY my friend...and NOT me. I swear.
Posted by: mia | January 12, 2004 11:40 AM
Although I have had an overwhelming response to my profile, it has been very disappointing. The men that I click with over the internet are sooooo not attractive. The hot men are absolute idiots...they don't know the difference between "there" and "their" --oiy-- or are comma over-users. 20 minutes into the initial-meeting- lunch/dinner, I fight the urge to say, "Shut up. Just sit there and look pretty."
Mia--did your friend go on the date after the IM?
Posted by: Jim's Sister Paula | January 12, 2004 12:59 PM
shit, shit, shit.
i'd be perfect if not for the destitute, dishonest canadian bit.
Posted by: dayna | January 12, 2004 03:20 PM
I haven't bothered to look at your picture but the other comments here indicate you are pretty damn hot. So yes, count me among those who would like to jump your bones. That doesn't help you in the least, but it makes my day just a little brighter.
It sounds like you're looking for a brunette Jenny McCarthy. I'll see what I can do.
Posted by: Gerry | January 12, 2004 09:24 PM
I totally vouch for online dating.
I have no problems meeting people out there in the world. But it's tough meeting the "right" people.
I met my ex online, and we were together for two and a half years.
A few months ago, I met someone through one of the internet dating services (Match.Com), and ended up spending part of the holidays in Texas with his family and friends.
The internet has led me to so many incredible people...I refuse to rule it out as a tool to do the same for dating. Like anything else, you have to weed out the crappy stuff in order to find what's worthwhile. :)
Incidentally, highly intelligent women are also more likely to be highly sexually aware women. It's all about the balance....:P
*~ Alayna
Posted by: Alaynaa | January 13, 2004 12:58 AM
Hey now...there's no such thing as too much body hair. You leave that stuff alone.
Posted by: jimbo | January 13, 2004 08:10 AM
just to clarify the "not too intelligent" comment, i LOVE super intelligent women. however, as someone who spends the bulk of his day surrounded by PhD uber genious types who start companies and win nobel prizes and that kind of thing, too intelligent is really damn intimidating. and usually they lack the common sense to match their socks. so someone who is as smart or reasonably smarter than me is a plus. someone with a nobel prize will probably just make me even more insecure. and adding to my already significant insecurities may well be a boon for the content of this website perhaps, but definitely won't do much for my sex life.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | January 13, 2004 10:10 AM
Do not underestimate the power of a photo of a guy hanging off a rock. Especially when said guy is shirtless. Yum.
Posted by: Babz | January 13, 2004 04:34 PM