Glowstick cowboy.
So a handful of my friends were in Vegas while I was there last weekend. The sick ones. The people who like to go out and run 26 miles for a good time. The people who think a bunch of people running constitutes a good time. They seem to like joint pain, vomiting, and the taste of Goo.
Like I said, sick people.
These same people have recently started socializing at country bars. And in order to hook up with them, I was going to have to meet them at a country bar. Normally I would have said, “see you in Newport,” but I followed them to Gilleys because my drunk and twisted friends got it into their heads that they wanted to ride a mechanical bull. Getting hammered and tossed off a steel longhorn is perhaps not the most prudent decision to make before running a half-marathon in the cold desert air at 6:30 AM, but hey, Vegas isn't about making smart decisions.
As I had never seen anyone get thrown off a mechanical bull before, I swallowed my sense of good taste and against my better instincts spent a couple hours with them in the smoke and sawdust. Not having been to a country bar since probably 93 or so, I would like to make a few observations:
Mullets are still very much in style amongst an apparently large portion of the country.
Mechanical bulls appear to have little to do with rodeo skills and very much to do with the erotic fantasies of people who have spent too much time around livestock.
A woman mounting a mechanical bull can expect a very stimulating ride, suggestively rocked back and forth on the robotic beast to the drunken “Yeehaws” of the heavily mulleted crowd.
A man mounting a mechanical bull can expect to be thrown into the sawdust in about .5 seconds.
I will NEVER visit another country bar ever again. Not even to see my drunken friends thrown from any form of livestock, mechanical or otherwise. Look I know y'all don’t want my liberal, metrosexual, vegetarian ass in there anyway, so really, everyone wins. I will never go again. I don't like the music, I don't like riding horses, and I’m pretty sure Nascar is just a bunch of people making left turns all day. I think Texas is about as compelling as Afghanistan (Austin a surprising and notable exception), I cut off my mullet in 89, I didn't vote for Bush, and I think line dancing is an invention for people too white to find the beat on their own.
I’ll stick with glowsticks and strippers, thank you very much.
Comments
I know just the person I'm going to use your line "line dancing is an invention for people too white to find the beat on their own" on. Thank you so much for writing it!
Posted by: daisy | January 30, 2004 05:17 AM
I once walked into the largest, and most popular country bar in San Antonio. I turned around and left.
Posted by: melly | January 30, 2004 08:09 AM
You know you'll be all over that place next time Lee Greenwood comes to do an all-American gig.
Posted by: sid | January 30, 2004 08:23 AM
Yes, but does what the strippers do with those glowsticks stick to you?
Posted by: Daniella | January 30, 2004 10:22 AM
That's a pretty harsh thing to say about Afghanistan.
Posted by: Jon | January 30, 2004 10:38 AM
Every time we go to Vegas, there is some random person in our group of friends who just 'must' go to Gilly's. The lamest part of this is the fact that we are from Oklahoma. This same group of people would never go to a 'honky' bar here and it completely baffles me that they choose to do so in a city that has so much more to offer. This is obviously what 12 hours of drinking will do to a person.
Posted by: Eren | January 30, 2004 12:08 PM
Love your site and usually agree with you but I must pipe in - as a native Houstonian who actualy likes Texas, I will agree, country bars are scary and this Texas girl will not step into one either.
We do have other things to do here in Texas like hit the various martini lounges or listen to some great local folk music at a pub. *Gasp* I know, 'tis true, we do have a little more variety than just cows and boots down here...
(Really, I am not offended, just wanted to defend my state a bit... :D)
Posted by: cybertoad | January 30, 2004 12:17 PM
hi cybertoad! good to hear from you! just to clarify, i am not making an uninformed decision on texas. i have spent LOTS of time in the state. my parents have lived in dallas since 89.
i know there are lots of great people and great places and great music and good sunsets if you look for it.
but despite all that, texans can keep it - along with the mosquitos, the heat, the cold, the humidity, the endless miles of flat, the big hair, the fucking cowboys, the bible thumping, the - OOOH. i think i have the start of a new post here.
thanks CT!
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | January 30, 2004 12:41 PM
If you ever have a chance to go to a country bar in Japan, you MUST go ... words cannot describe the experience.
Posted by: Noggie | January 30, 2004 12:41 PM
OMG.
noggie, that has JUST been added to my life's "to do" list.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | January 30, 2004 12:44 PM
But in Afghanistan there are no mullets or country bars.
Posted by: Ed | January 30, 2004 02:44 PM
We don't want your veggie eating, mountain climbing, metrosexual (whatever the hell that is) bony little ass here anyway. Texas should put up a wall, guarded by the good 'ole mullet-haired, gun carrying boys and charge people like you to enter...my big brother or not. :)-
That being said...I don't do country bars, line dancing or bull riding either...I just love Dallas!
Posted by: Your Lil, Dallas Lovin' Sis | January 30, 2004 03:11 PM
I swear to god, if you write an anti-texas post, I'm never going to speak to you again.
Which we both know is a lie, but you should feel guilty anyways.
Posted by: melly | January 30, 2004 04:34 PM
This one is for Your Lil, Dallas Lovin' Sis:
http://www.wordspy.com/words/metrosexual.asp
...and here I thought the word was coined by South Park, the only instance other than on Jimbo's site where I have ever even heard the word.
"Dandy," huh?
Posted by: April | January 30, 2004 04:48 PM
LOL! Well, if your experience has been in Dallas, that explains it... ;) I don't particularly like Dallas either...
Posted by: cybertoad | January 30, 2004 04:51 PM
CT...this coming from a Houstonian...the armpit of Texas. :)
April...Thanks. I query whether men who identify themselves as "metrosexual" are really just gay and attemtping to remain in the closet?
Posted by: Your lil sis | January 30, 2004 06:46 PM