I guess I don't have to worry about having any more "ex's" living there.
Why Jimbo will never live in Texas:
1. The “mild” climate. 110 degree summers at 90% humidity and 25 degree winters, complete with ice storms. I accept that most places in the world, short of the Mediterranean Europe, Western Australia, Central South America, and Southern California, all have three months a year that suck. Texas usually has six.
2. Mosquitoes straight from an Anne Rice novel, capable of carrying off small livestock.
3. What the hell is "Frito Pie?" Doesn't ANYBODY else find that even remotely disturbing?
4. A night out at the “Olive Garden” constitutes a cultural experience.
5. Attempts to order a vegetarian meal usually result in looks of disdain, disgust, dismay, or comments like, “would like white meat or dark meat?”
6. Two-lane highways designed for horse-drawn wagons now shared by 70 million full-size Ford F series pickups.
7. I hate the Cowboys on principle alone. The hole in the roof isn’t there so that God can watch his favorite team. It’s there because the engineer was too busy finishing off that sixer of Bud to finish the job.
8. The famous hospitality shown toward people with a last name that ends in a vowel.
9. The size of the ozone hole can be directly linked to the height of the average Texan hairstyle.
10. Plaid shirts and baggy jeans went out of style in 1996.
11. Mullets are still very much in fashion. This can be said of Arizona as well, but at least Arizona has…well…ah…at least it’s closer to California.
12. “Tolerance.” Put down the Bible and pick up a dictionary. Look it up.
13. My family lives there, and no matter how much I love them, that’s reason enough for me to stay the hell away.
14. Miles and miles and endless miles of suburban hell. It takes two full hours to drive across Dallas. And I swear you couldn’t tell the difference from one end to the other.
15. BIG state. Little mountains. Little waves. Little minds.
16. I look gay in Wranglers.
17. Driving across Texas takes at least seven days. You will not turn your steering wheel more than twice. At least it sure as hell seems that way.
18. If you stand on your roof in Houston you can see Oklahoma.
19. George W. Bush lives there, and really, that’s all the excuse I need.
20. Did I mention George W. Bush? I did? Good.
On the other hand, Texas does have Melly (who is probably never gonna speak to me again), Austin , Berke Breathed , Hueco Tanks , armadillos , and some of the prettiest girls on the planet. So it’s not all bad. And before all you Texans get your American Eagle jeans all in a twist and start tossing empty Bud Light bottles at me for being ignorant of your glorious state, let me state that my whole family has lived there since 1989 and my opinions are based on years of extensive research. I’ve been to El Paso, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Dallas, Fort Worth, Longview, Pittsburg, and McKinney, and I’ve even had sex with a few Texan girls. My opinion is my own, well researched, and I totally accept that you don’t want my bleeding heart-vegetarian-Yankee ass there anyway.
I can totally live with that.
Comments
Dude, don't be dissin' the Frito Pie. I can even make a vegetarian version. And I'm not even from Texas.
Posted by: Kat | February 3, 2004 01:03 PM
Oh, well, if you've had sex with Texan girls, then you're...like... practically one of them. ;)
Posted by: mia | February 3, 2004 01:54 PM
You tell him, Kat! :)
Talkin' smack about my traditional Super Bowl grub, podna... ;)
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | February 3, 2004 02:08 PM
Arghhhh - plaid shirts are out!? - who knew!?
Posted by: Noggie | February 3, 2004 03:01 PM
While serving in the Marines, I worked with a guy from Nebraska. (I know, your post is about Texas -- but indulge me - It relates to how crazy people can be about their home states...)
On more than one occasion, I made the mistake of talking badly about Nebraska while he was drunk. Each time I did this he would respond by: (1) wanting to fight; then (2) screaming about how wonderful Nebraska is; and then inevitably, (3) breaking down into TEARS at the idea that someone did not love Nebraska as much as he did.
People are freaking nuts about their home states --well, at least people from Texas and Nebraska are. (BTW, I ran into plenty of Texans while serving in the Corps. and while none of them actually cried, plenty got upset at even the smallest derogatory comment.)
Posted by: Tim | February 3, 2004 03:37 PM
You suck. I disown you. Frito pies are the bomb...and we don't want you here any damn way!
Posted by: Jim's Sis Paula | February 3, 2004 05:29 PM
ok. FRITOS! IN A PIE!
a meal made of SNACK FOOD!
i am so not relenting on this. this is the highest order of trash food. you all go enjoy your fritos and your deep fried twinkies and shit.
i'll stick normal california cuisine. like sushi. and tofu.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | February 3, 2004 05:48 PM
Um, yey, for widesweeping stereotypes. Err...something.
Also, Nebraska is religious about Nebraska. It is not normal, and is unmatched in any other state as far as I know. Try saying something derogatory about the Huskers in any room with Nebraskans in it, and you may not make out of the room alive. Well, you may make it out alive, but you will be missing limbs or phalanges.
Posted by: Nicole | February 3, 2004 05:56 PM
I'm not about stereotypes. I'm about making fun of stereotypes.
And making fun of Texas. Cause really, it sucks there.
And as someone who has lived there, I'm allowed to make fun of it. Just like I'm allowed to make fun of Californians, Italians, Catholics, bald people, people with too much body hair, Narcissists, and anyone named Lipschitz cause that's just funny,
I can't make fun of Nebraska or Huskers cause I have never been there. And as there are no mountains, oceans, or major urban centers within 500 miles, I doubt i will ever go there. Huskers, fear not. I promise not a word from me.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | February 3, 2004 06:06 PM
Okay, you're allowed. :) I do believe in the "don't-make-fun-until-you've-been-there" credo.
"And as there are no mountains, oceans, or major urban centers within 500 miles, I doubt i will ever go there."
Hehe. I have driven the width of Nebraska (10 hours)-- lots of prairie and that's about it. Of course, South Dakota isn't much better until you cross the Missouri (going west).
Posted by: Nicole | February 3, 2004 06:35 PM
Gee, almost all the reasons you hate Texas are the reasons I hate my homestate. As for the mosquitoes, WAY bigger in Mississippi!!! So, I have to say......as much as I agree with most of your thoughts on Texas, it gets worse east of the Mississippi River. Oh, and almost everyone looks gay in Wranglers.
Posted by: Amy | February 3, 2004 11:11 PM
I'm impressed looking at that website that you need at least a high school degree or GED to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. They have *standards* in Texas.
However, I do have a friend from Texas who enjoys the deep fried twinkies. So that thing about standards.. hrm..
Posted by: jennn | February 3, 2004 11:35 PM
Just so everyone knows, I went home and had a frito pie for dinner last night. :)
(btw, Jim... the real foundation of a frito pie is the chili, which can be vegetarian. The fritos just add crunch, not unlike oyster crackers in some parts of the country)
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | February 4, 2004 07:50 AM
so many of those could apply to my home state as well. the olive garden one is the worst.
Posted by: liz | February 4, 2004 08:54 AM
Nice rant, babe. Heh. So inspirational that I might even have to blog my own anti-Texas rant.
You know what annoys me the most? The accent. I have suffered through some of the most excruciating hours-long conference calls forced to listen to that nasally twang -- like the sound of fingernails on chalkboard emitted from those squeaky-voiced Southern women -- or that sleepy, slow drawl that makes me want to reach out and touch the utterer firmly with the back of my hand.
How is it in Texas that "fuck" is multi-syllabic? You know what I mean.
Thet's jist so fu-uh-UH-cked, y'all...[-shudder-]
Posted by: Rayne | February 4, 2004 10:47 AM
hmmm... we were thinking about moving to Austin. is it really bad? i heard it was one of the better places in TX.
Posted by: kristin | February 4, 2004 01:07 PM
austin is the ONE reason to move to texas.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | February 4, 2004 02:03 PM
I am from Texas. I love it here. No, our mountains may not be big, but how many states can say they have prairies, pine forests, plains, the coast and mountains. Aaaand Mexico. Where ever you are, you don't have Mexico like we do.
I don't like the Dallas Cowboys, I don't like Frito Pie, I don't have an accent, I eat at the Olive Garden regularly and I hate Wranglers. We have eight-lane highways (even outside of Dallas and Houston), people everywhere wear baggy jeans, I haven't seen a mullet in my lifetime, and I love tofu. I'm sure we'd find your cold just as unbearable as you find our heat.
But you've been to El Paso? Damn. I'm sorry.
(And Austin totally rocks.) Maybe you should start looking outside the box when you visit your family again.
Posted by: Kelly | February 6, 2004 01:22 PM
socal has all those things, only bigger, better, and with 300 days of perfect (and i mean PERFECT) weather a year. of course, no one can afford to live here, but let's not split hairs.
and for the record, there isn't a single goddamn hill in that state that can qualify as a "mountain." i'll take you to the eastern sierra if you ever require proof of that.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | February 6, 2004 03:22 PM
I drove through Texas twice. I stayed in Fort Worth when I went there. I drove through most of the state the first time (mainly at night, which, though much too long, was very pretty - no lights and lots of stars). When I went back to GA, I drove through the little square at the top andit felt like it took all day too. I would rather go 15 hours out of my way than drive through Texas again.
Posted by: Angel | February 10, 2004 11:41 AM
LOL. And yeah, those Frito Pies were the only good thing I could find to eat at the university cafeteria when I was a Freshman!
Posted by: cybertoad | February 10, 2004 11:48 AM