But I would sell a kidney to be any of them for a day.
Ok, I know I'm about to piss off just about all of you with this post, but I never promised to always be agreeable. I have promised to be an opinionated and boorish pain in the ass with a weblog and too much free time on his hands. Don't say I don't keep my promises.
Bands that I really don't like even though I know I ought to know better.
The Smiths. Seriously people. Get that man on a Zoloft drip, STAT. Somebody put Prozac in his toothpaste. Life isn't that bad, you are a rock star, ridiculously rich and famous in spite of yourself, and frankly, you don't deserve to be so goddam melancholic. To quote someone infinitely less talented but who knows how to live, Nelly, "Why you at the bar if you aint poppin' the bottles? What good is all the fame if you aint fucking the models?" Step out into the light Morrissey. Really. You could use a tan.
Coldplay. Come on guys. You have talent. An amazing gift for melody. You are exceptional song writers. You are having regular sex with Gweneth Paltrow. How about something up tempo? Come on. One song. Just one. It's all I'm asking. Rock and roll is about dancing. It's about sex. You gave us plenty of songs to get into her pants, and I thank you for that. How about one for when we are already in there?
The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Yeah, I know I ought to like this band. Funk and punk and LA rock and good songwriting and plenty of drugs to keep them fresh. However, Anthony's voice grates on me like my ears were made of parmesan and frankly, Flea just kinda scares me.
Led Zeppelin. Yep. One of the most important and influential bands in history. Yep. The critics were right. Yep. They did change the face of rock music. Yep. Pretty much immortal in the pantheon of modern music. Yep. I still couldn't care less.
Nirvana. See Led Zeppelin.
REM. Defined college radio in the 80s. I went to college. I still don't know what the hell they are talking about most of the time. I guess I didn't go to a good enough college.
Pink Floyd. I don't get them just like I don't get Monty Python. I just didn't do enough drugs in the 70s.
Lenny Kravitz. Lenny, you have never had an original idea in your entire career. But who the hell cares, you make musical plagiarism look so damn cool. And you had Adriana Lima. That means I pretty much have to hate you.
Bob Dylan. It's called "Chloraseptic."
Aerosmith. Ok. I liked you kids. Honest I did. My advice? Get back on the drugs. Really. Seems like every great artist was either angry, stoned or depressed when they did their best work. Steven, let's be honest. "Dude Looks Like a Lady" is no "Dream On." And "Love in an Elevator" is definitely not a "Sweet Emotion." Break out the smack, or just leave the spotlight to your daughter.
The White Stripes. Oh, hire a goddam bassist already. Bottom is a good thing. We LIKE the cars that go boom. Jack, you are exceptionally talented. Brilliant even. I'll totally give you that credit. But if I wanted to listen to a garage band, I'd go to a garage. You can afford better recording equipment. Spring for it.
Moby. Um. Yeah. Whatever.
Eminem. Actually I think he rocks. Besides, I'm not dumb enough to aim at him. He's pissed off enough at the world to be reading this.
Comments
The Beach Boys.
I know they stand for All-American values, etc. I know they are supposed musical geniuses. However, everytime I hear their music a festering heat crawls up from my tailbone, up my spine, out through my mouth in the form of a scream.
And not in the good way.
Posted by: mittengirl | March 26, 2004 07:18 AM
Gwen Stefani/No Doubt. Cannot. Stand. The. Bitch.
Their music is 12,000 different kinds of terrible. I'd rather listen to a dirty cassette of two goats humping in a junkyard...
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | March 26, 2004 07:32 AM
can't say i agree with you on all of them, but you gotta say what you gotta say, and i get that.
also, i think eminem hates you whether you aim at him or not. and even if he didn't, he wouldn't ever admit it.
Posted by: matt | March 26, 2004 07:38 AM
Well, I totally disagree with you on pretty much all of it, but I'm trying to keep in mind this is coming from the guy who called JUSTIN *bleeping* TIMBERLAKE a "rock star" after the Super Bowl debacle. In short, your taste in music is automatically suspect, but I love you anyway.;-)
(Note to TMJ: anything remotely resembling a boy band, or Britney Spears, is NOT Rock & Roll, never has been, never will be. It's called Pop, the people who play it are "pop stars," and calling a pop star a rock star is like calling a hiker who occasionally hikes up a steep hill a "mountain climber"!;-)
Posted by: Tina | March 26, 2004 08:08 AM
tina, what would you call the beatles?
but yeah, i kinda agree. very little of "pop" music now sounds like "rock." i'm just not gonna have a list for pop for rap for alt for metal for r&b for punk etc etc etc. fundamentally, it all comes from rock and roll.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | March 26, 2004 08:14 AM
Ooh...and I thought my favorite bands might just sneak through your scrutiny.
Poor Nirvana.
Posted by: Nicole | March 26, 2004 08:14 AM
Okay, I am *so* glad someone else hates the Chili Peppers. I've been getting crap for that for years.
I don't hate Nirvana, but thought they were incredibly overrated. And how was anyone surprised that Kurt killed himself? I mean, really, was I the only one that saw that coming?
Posted by: Shawn | March 26, 2004 08:15 AM
Good points, Jimbo! A lot of what the Beatles put out would *definitely* be considered pop by today's standards, especially the early stuff. And you're right about it all coming from rock & roll as well. (Perhaps I was a little too hasty with that "never has been, never will be" comment;-). I don't have any problem at all with you listing everything together, but when you referred to Timberlake as a rock star, it really cracked me up, since I, and most of the rock fans I know (*especially* the guys), would never, ever, consider putting him in that category. Maybe that's just one more sign of your metrosexuality!;-)
Posted by: Tina | March 26, 2004 09:07 AM
I find it interesting that now, during a time of war, when peace-oriented lyrics would put you on the wrong side of record sales, Lenny Kravitz has changed his tune from our non-wartime 'let love rule' period. Poseur.
Posted by: jimbo | March 26, 2004 11:27 AM
Tell me you did not, in any way, compare The Beatles with NSYNCH and The Backstreet Boys?
If ya did, you are apparently not familiar with there complete body of work.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stick my fingers in my ear, go "lalalalalala", and tune out any mention of "Can't Buy Me Love","Get Back", "You're Going To Lose That Girl", "Good Day Sunshine", "I Saw Her Standing There", "Let It Be", "Strawberry Fields Forever", "Love Me Do", "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", "Penny Lane", "Nowhere Man", "ROLL OVER BEETHOVEN", "Maggie Mae", "Ticket To Ride", "With A Little Help From My Friends", "Help", "Yellow Submarine", "Paperback Writer", and "Yesterday".
None are quite as memorable as The Backstreet Boys',"As Long As You Love Me". I think time will attest that.
BEATLES SHMEATLES.
Posted by: melly | March 26, 2004 01:46 PM
We both know that I meant "THEIR". SO SORRY. And my "EARS" as I have TWO OF THEM. Also, I think time will attest "TO" that.
Now, I am LEAVING.
Posted by: beatle melly | March 26, 2004 01:48 PM
I totally 100% agree on Zepplin, Dylan, Aerosmith, Kravitz, and REM. I fucking love Nirvana and if you change it when it comes on the radio I'll scream at you like a ilttle girl. Chili Peppers have totally grown on me, and I dont think I've heard the White Stripes or Coldplay.
Posted by: UnderwearNinja | March 26, 2004 07:31 PM
No Dylan and no Python in the same post? Your stock just went way down, my friend.
Posted by: Elizabeth | March 26, 2004 10:26 PM
aw man, you just don't GET The White Stripes, that's all. They are puro, man. I remember the first time I heard White Blood Cells in my shitty WV apartment. It took me about 2 hours to get through it. I must have replayed everysong on the CD at least once before going on to the next. I just sat and listened and thought, "wow, this brother and sister duo are skimming and concentrating everything I love about RnR. No frills, raw power, sick licks, and tremendous talent (jack, that is)." I wish I could hear the album for the first time again.
...and they even mention WV on the last song on the CD. It's like they were singing right to ME...freaky, eh?
...and I saw them live, and they were amazing, so passionate and focused. They rock like it's their f*$king job (only the Ramones rivaled them), and they left it all on the stage.
Posted by: slap | March 28, 2004 10:57 AM
i totally agree with you on all points :) excellent stuff, man!
Posted by: richard | April 1, 2004 12:22 PM