I’m not sure what it says about me, the internet, or the sad state of my sex life, but several of the most electrifying, provocative, no, torrid sexual experiences have been the result of digital encounters as opposed to physical encounters.

Heh. I’m starting to think this blog is getting cheap with all the talk of sex and sororities and boobie pics, and I worry that people are beginning to think that I am just some horny and smarmy bald guy in SoCal with a big platinum chain around his neck and a Versace sweater. I think what scares me more is that I might actually end up that way.

I doubt it. Before anyone starts making judgments about me or my values or my life, be reminded that you are a guest here. The information I choose to share is edited as I see fit. You don’t know me and you don’t know my life. You only know what I choose to tell you. I’ve had ten partners in 32 years. All of whom I still know. And I’ve never had a one night stand. You can accuse me of many things. But I’m not a slut. And I’m not a pimp.

Well, maybe not for lack of trying.

I suppose the reason this site has been a little more provocative is that really, there HASN’T been much sex in my life lately. I have always maintained that when I’m getting some, you never know about it because I cease to talk about it. When I’m not getting any, sex is always on my mind and subsequently it finds it’s way into this blog (since it can’t find it’s way into my pants).

What many of you don’t know about me, despite the occasional digital chest thumping is that sexually, I’m really rather insecure. I spent the bulk of my youth confused and nervous and wrapped up in the misguided, Catholic dogma that I should wait till I was married. So those years of carbonated hormones and hyper sexuality were spent repressed and twisted with doubt and regret and insecurity about my own desirability and the appropriateness of any sexual response.

It wasn’t until my late twenties that I began to embrace my sexuality, accept myself, and gain some much needed confidence. Much of the parading I do around here is just a way to satisfy the social-sexual consequences that come from being a recovering Catholic who didn’t lose his overly valued virginity until his mid-20s.

In many ways this site has been a huge step forward in that part of my life. It’s helped me become more comfortable with my own skin, and it’s shown me that at least digitally, I can be desirable. Wanted.

It’s also been used to push some boundaries that I didn’t know existed. My confidence with lovers has been fuelled in many ways by the validation and the experiences I have had online. I’ve written about one of these in length in the past. Last night, the same digital (and oh-my-god what digits she has) partner approached me again with yet another electronic fantasy, and like before, it was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had. That she is a stunningly beautiful woman is not even relevant.

Well, maybe a little relevant. Ok, a lot.

What is relevant is that she has been challenging me to explore some of those darker, dirtier corners of my mind. And simultaneously, she has provided an important source of sexual validation for a man who for many years was tragically shy. She has provided me with the equivalent of a sexual rollercoaster. It’s been exciting and risky and scary and damn would you look at the curves on that track, but it’s all been controlled and safe and largely under the safety belt of anonymity.

What I wonder about are consequences of these sexual thrill rides. Will I become so accustomed to this kind of behavior that suddenly I find myself with a permanent webcam attached to my shorts? Or will these experiences provide me with the confidence I need to find and strengthen real romantic relationships?

I’m probably over analyzing what fundamentally amounts to jerking off, but it’s an interesting question at least in my mind.

Until then, I’m going to enjoy the ride.

And really, what a ride.