Cold.
Funny thing about broken hearts, they never really heal. Hearts grow, you move on. You learn not to think about the past. Learn to avoid the hole where someone once was. Sometimes however, when you aren't paying attention, when you least expect it, you can accidentally fall back in.
It's been a year since we imploded. At this point I don't even remember who was to blame or what it was all about. I've long moved past the anger and the resentment and the pain from who she became and where we were.
She has even messaged me from time to time. And despite those initial pangs of shock at seeing her name pop up onto my monitor after all this time, in a strange and maybe nostalgic way, it was good to hear from her.
But today, while finally cleaning house, taking the time to do a little much needed maintenance on my room, wash away the dust and the lint and the dirt that had piled up in all the corners of my 11' x 12' place in paradise, in the back of my book shelf, more than a year forgotten, and stuffed inside my tarnished silver cup given to me at my birth, I found a collection of little hand written notes on hotel stationary from our second trip to Arizona. The start of our second doomed attempt at love.
It was like falling through a hole in the ice. Black and terrible and sudden and shocking and excruciating.
And for a split second, I loved her and I hated her all over again. I remembered in vivid detail that trip. Feeling complete and full again after four months of feeling broken and empty. And then I remembered the next long trip. The one that felt like I had been drinking drain cleaner.
I jumped out as quickly as I could. I shuddered once or twice, uttered a couple choice obscenities and dried myself off. I laughed at my dumb luck, and then I did what any other person would do after falling into ice water.
I built a fire.
Comments
I'm not likely to find any reminders around my house, different country and it all happened a long time a go. But occasionally when I least expect it, something will remind me and I get pissed off all over again.
Posted by: Lynne | July 10, 2004 04:12 PM
Maybe lifle circles come to an end (or a new beggining, I never know it with circles...) every one year.
I'm at that point right now: reading old letters, finding strange signals telling me that I might be ready to another ride down memory lane...
Why is it so hard to let some people go? Why is that some of them not only cross our lives, but stay forever inside our hearts, in those tiny little black spots we are not supposed to go look at, because once there, we better beware...
Posted by: mini me | July 10, 2004 05:55 PM
Memories of loving someone are tough..the smells, the music...but....they are memories...to be held and kept in that little tineeeey part of your soul. But, they are memories...cherish them and move on.
Posted by: Sydro | July 10, 2004 05:56 PM
Sometimes I run into those old memories and wonder "What if?" Then I look at my daughter and forget all about it...
Posted by: Terri | July 10, 2004 06:50 PM
'who you are comes from what you have, but also what you have lost'
- some person, sometime.
Posted by: rowan | July 10, 2004 06:56 PM
Recognisable.
Scary.
Does it ever go away? Maybe we refuse to let it. I always laugh at people telling me to be thankful for what he gave me. "Don't build up anger".
Stupid fucks. It's the anger that makes you survive. The Zen appraoch never worked for me.
Posted by: Cleopatra | July 11, 2004 04:30 AM
I don't think there's a correct answer to how to get over someone other than to build your life and try to keep moving and learning, and of course to have fun!
Whether to forgive someone or be angry at them or to put it aside in some neutral way depends on what works for your personality, and no one said it was easy.
I've been lucky. A recent suitor has done all the things I had wanted from the other man in terms of kindness and respect, and it had made me much lighter and happier.
He helps me to feel what I know in my brain, that I am worth that.
Posted by: Devorah | July 11, 2004 09:19 AM
i don't know cleo. i think you have to eventually let the anger go. anger is powerful powerful fuel. sure, you can use it as motivation for someting productive, work, working out, etc, but if you don't, anger will just burn you up inside. i think long term, you have to let go of the anger to fully move on.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | July 11, 2004 09:28 AM
I always liken getting over someone with radioactive half-life: it halves and halves again but never really goes away completely.
Posted by: jimbo east | July 11, 2004 08:12 PM
Great writing, Jimbo.
I don't think hearts heal, either. They just scab over, so you have just enough protective coating to move on.
Posted by: carrie | July 11, 2004 09:10 PM
Hi, nice to meet you! I popped over here from Michelles site.
Posted by: Phyllis | July 11, 2004 09:20 PM
cute little love notes and wedding dresses seen burning in firey blaze...do all old memories die in the same flame? next at 11!
Posted by: tassy | July 12, 2004 03:23 PM
Nice, jimbo east. Exactly.
Posted by: sac | July 12, 2004 04:19 PM