Meet me under the bridge.
I have no trolls.
I have used this website to mock Republicans, Canadians, women, men, Suzuki owners, Texans, smokers, fat people, gays, hockey, The White Stripes, Catholics, and my mom. I'm arrogant, vain, opinionated, egotistical, profane, uncouth, and probably smell bad.
I've even posted half naked pictures of myself around here, and if there ever was justification for digital abuse, it's the shameless promotion of my abs as a means to meet slutty chicks.
I even had a mullet.
But I have never had a troll.
The ex-boyfriend of she-who-must-not-be-named allegedly once sent me a series of really creepy, mildly harassing emails under a pseudonym, but aside from that, I have never had a troll. Sure, some of you people have pissed me off once or twice, and Melly is a borderline blog stalker, but these are the people who keep the conversation in my corner of the internet interesting.
For the record, Melly can stalk me ANYTIME SHE WANTS. She remains one of the funniest people I know. Melly, if I ever get a troll, really, I want it to be just like you. And I mean that in only the nicest way possible.
Now I have no idea how many people read this thing. The only counter I have tracks just the hits on the splash page, probably the least accessed page on this site, so I'm pretty clueless as to who is reading my daily digital diatribes unless they feel inclined to comment. I'm told by fellow bloggers that I'm fairly well read (or at least well known based on the obsessive-compulsive blog stalking I do on my own). That combined with an average ten comments per post makes me think they may well be right.
If that's the case, I would have expected at least ONE troll by now.
It's not like I'm not trying to piss people off around here. Watch:
Will and Grace is a shameless attempt to legitimize the homosexual lifestyle! And I have no problem with that at all! Despite the problem I have with that wretched program they pass off as "must-see-TV!" George Bush is a fat, clueless baby boy attached to an Arab oil tit! Most conservative Christians are the least Christian people I know! There is precious little of interest anywhere east of Colorado and west of New York! The average IQ in Florida is the only thing lower than the average elevation of the state! Suzuki Samauris still suck! Radiohead has produced several of the least listenable albums I have ever heard! Hockey is the northern social equivalent of NASCAR! Most beers taste like fermented ass! I've never seen American Idol! Uma Thurman looks like a big blond horse with tits! Canadians love to get all uppity about their use of the Queen's English but still haven't learned how to pronounce "pasta!" People who haven't figured out how to properly use contractions have NO BUSINESS WRITING OR COMMENTING IN BLOGS! No more naked Tassy pics! OK, so maybe I don't mean that, but if ANYTHING should piss you people off it ought to be that.
Sigh.
Still no trolls.
Look, I like to think I keep an entertaining and reasonably popular little website. Don't I give you people enough? Is there something wrong with me? If I cut you, shouldn't you want to make me bleed?
I think maybe I should just start trolling other sites. Randomly leaving inarticulate, inappropriate and profane comments and always using "your" incorrectly. I would try, but honestly, the people worth trolling I respect too much to harass. Besides, I would be depressingly outgunned for a battle of the wits with Kat or Sarah or Greg or Heather .
Maybe all I need to do is grow a pair of boobs or get pregnant. Seems that's all it takes to lure a troll onto other sites. Have a vagina and write something reasonably intelligent. Pow! Within weeks someone is calling you a whore.
Maybe this is because there are far fewer female trolls and my site seems to be read primarily by women. Maybe the instinct to troll is expressed by the same gene that regulates crank calls and wedgies. Or maybe women have just figured out that the best way to really fuck someone is not to fuck with them at all.
Comments
One month. ONE MONTH my new blog as been live and already I've had three trolls whose IP addresses went straight on the ban list.
I think you're right.. a vagina AND a brain? Undeniable troll bait.
Posted by: amandarin | July 1, 2004 08:36 PM
Hmmm I'm a fat, hockey watching Canadian so maybe I shouldn't ask you this but ... what's a troll?
And do we really say pasta wrong?
Anyhoo, that said I've been lurking in your blog for a bit - you're a great writer. The only thing I would add is more beefcake photos! ;o)
Posted by: Christine | July 1, 2004 08:39 PM
I don't have half (or a quarter or a tenth) of the readership you have based on the amount of comments I get (80% of which are you from time to time), and I've had an on and off troll problem for about the last year. It's interesting, really. It almost makes me feel popular.
Almost.
Posted by: Dave | July 1, 2004 08:53 PM
I'll be your'e troll if you REALLY want one. Ill be pretty half ased about it thogh. Only send a harasssing e-mail once a week or so, I probably won't even try to find your're home addres, and I seriously doubt I'll graffiti yo'ur car. But what I can do is mangle every contraction and every word to every coment I post on you're site.
Posted by: rowan | July 1, 2004 09:37 PM
Unfortunatly for you, you are intelligent. If you want a troll - throw out a random political comment without putting it as eloquently as you do. Dummy down, Jim.
Posted by: Julie | July 2, 2004 04:58 AM
Oh, and spell "Unfortunately" correctly.
Posted by: Julie | July 2, 2004 04:59 AM
I feel your pain, Jimbo. My site is almost purely political, liberal, and anti-Bush, and I haven't had one single critical comment posted since I switched to a site with comments. (Granted, I've posted almost nothing within the last month, but I gave the neo-con trolls plenty to be upset about prior to this month.)
If it makes you feel better, here in Michigan Shawn and I are considered trolls by people living in Michigan's Upper Peninsula (because we live below the Mackinac Bridge). So, you actually do have two trolls!;-)
Posted by: Tina | July 2, 2004 05:04 AM
u sux. I think your a jerk. evryting you say is bad. your a horrible bastard. I hate you.
There, do you feel better?
Posted by: Daniella | July 2, 2004 07:24 AM
"Or maybe women have just figured out that the best way to really fuck someone is not to fuck with them at all."
Not only effective, but brilliantly maddening.
Posted by: Pua | July 2, 2004 08:02 AM
i'm not willing to troll you but i'll just say that radiohead rules and you should learn to play or create some music before you get so uppity and opinionated about what else is out there.
your are a reetard. :P
Posted by: tassy | July 2, 2004 09:15 AM
i don't now how to bake, but i can still tell when something tastes good.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | July 2, 2004 09:26 AM
and lemme clear this up, cause i really do dig radiohead. a lot. but "kid a" and "amnesiac?" yeah, i know they were considered musically genius and the critics loved them.
whatever. would rather listen to the tile saw.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | July 2, 2004 09:28 AM
Oh my God, May be your blog, it's so like, so *totally* kinda grown-up that you, like just really kinda can't expect those you're really sorta, like looking for!
Posted by: Schorsch | July 2, 2004 11:30 AM
And, playing with the food processor while learning how to bake might help against the tile saw!
Posted by: Schorsch | July 2, 2004 11:33 AM
What you need to do is write on a certain subject (say, just pulling something out of the air, "best songs ever") that will send you near the top of the Google search rankings for said subject. Then you'll get plenty of teeny-boppers posting incoherent and grammatically incorrect comments/rants.
Of course, incoherence can be kind of entertaining...
Posted by: Nicole | July 2, 2004 11:57 AM
You can have my troll. Problem is, I used to know him in real life. He is an ex-co-worker FROM HELL!!!
he keeps changing his IP, too
Posted by: dawn | July 2, 2004 12:35 PM
I tried being a troll on some of the political candidate sites once, but it was just so draaaaaining. Plus I did manage to write something once that was really, truly, profoundly hurtful, and haven't been able to function since. I've got some major respect for trolls who stay regular.
Posted by: brando | July 3, 2004 09:08 AM
Whore.
Posted by: jennn | July 3, 2004 10:24 AM
The fact that I have nothing better to do with my time than read blogs and leave my little, stupid comments doesn't make me a stalker- it makes me a loser.
Get it right, and get over yourself!
Posted by: melly | July 3, 2004 10:29 AM
You sir, are a person of ill breeding who's lineage is of the most reputable sort. Were I to meet you on the street, I might be moved to ungentlemanly acts solely by the idle thought that you continue to plague the community so luckless that you call your home and ...
Wait, no. This simply isn't working.
(Hmm. I need to rethink this troll approach. Concentrate, man, trolls don't read. )
U r so luzer that you r a total mooran. U r dubm &stuff n i do not lik u 4 u R not smarty like
(bother, who would a troll like?)
regis! Y du u h4te regis filbin so Regis is soooooooooo cool and i <3333#3##33 him coz he iz smarty not like u luzer.
(gads, my brain is melting)
Do nat hat the regis!!1!!one!!! The Regis is culloxor th3n u!!!
U SOK!~@@!~
Posted by: jr | July 3, 2004 12:55 PM
u suck. u mothafucka. who do u think u are? i'm a republican u sucky suck suck.
Posted by: red | July 3, 2004 12:58 PM
How was that? Troll-y enough? I could do it more often, if you want me to.
Posted by: red | July 3, 2004 12:58 PM
I lost my trolls years ago when I stopped my online journal. Sorry. Would have sent some your way if I still have some. I could always to go yellowworld.org and tell all those asian guys there how I only do caucasian guys. That usually does the trick. Especially if I told them that I only did TheMightyJimbo. They would call you 'that sellout, Lelu's asiaphile' or something ridiculous like that.
You don't want trolls.
They tend to smell.
Posted by: Lelu | July 3, 2004 04:39 PM
There was an entire paragraph in that post that makes me think you had me in mind when you wrote it. I mean, come on! "boobs" "pregnant" "vagina" "whore"!!!!
WHO THE HELL ELSE COULD YOU BE TALKING ABOUT?
Posted by: yvonne | July 3, 2004 09:40 PM
Damn straight us chicks know how to fuck with men... It's the sly, cruel way, not the in-your-face-because-Im-an-evil-bitch way that really gets to a guy's heart.
Oh jeezuz. Did I just say that outloud? Sigh. Sorry. Still reeling from breaking up with the boyfriend today. I'll try to contain myself.
...And for the record -- I don't have any trolls on my site either. Strange how the blog lurkers/commenters are such a cool, nice croud. :)
Posted by: NetChick | July 4, 2004 01:33 AM
jimbo, i call you a whore all the time. daily even. never satisfied, i swear.
Posted by: jaden | July 6, 2004 11:51 AM
I compulsively read this site. Compulsively.
I'll be your troll if you really want.. but it'll be tough to be insulting.
Posted by: Jon | July 7, 2004 09:05 AM