i'm gonna do a little pre-emptive strike here with regard to comments to this post. i was going to turn them off all together, but i figure the post is universal enough where people will have their own stories to share or thougts about my observations.

i will, however, warn you to tread lightly with any assumptions or suggestions you are planning to make about my life, my relationships, or my choices.

this is a post about a feeling. and although inspired by real relationships in my life, the intent of this post is an exploration of those feelings. my feelings. NOT of those relationships. expressing those feelings, right or wrong, good or bad, is cathartic to me. it's the motivation for this site.

well, that and the free boobie pics.

comment as you see fit. tell me if you think i'm wrong. right. feel free to be appropriately inappropriate. but please, tread lightly.

That made me feel ill... I remember having felt this way many times in the past and it is a horrible, horrible place to be. I think the thing I hate most about it is all the time and energy it consumes. And when you wake up from the fog of it - you wonder, how did 2?4?6? months of my life vanish? And of course, frequently the other person doesn't even notice or seem to care how miserable you are, which makes one bitter. Ugh! The only thing about getting older is that the feeling is a little less life altering to me than it was at say, 20... I think I'll give my boyfriend and extra hug when I get home - to thank him for a period in my life where I have been free of this feeling.
Hang in there. :)V

"an" extra hug - sorry I'm anal about typos :)

I would think we have all been there is someway or another. I remember being in love with my RA in University, like really crushingingly in love with him. He was in the room across from mine and when he started dating the girl next to me, I was rotting inside. It was horrible for the whole year. I know its sort of different, but it was like a cancer. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw them together. I wanted to hate them both for having what I wanted, but they were both really good people. Ugh. More than 10 years later and I can still feel the piercing loneliness I felt and the fierce burn of jealousy. I am sorry about yours lovely.

Like Vanessa, this post reminds me of the countless times I have felt this way, although I never could have written about it so beautifully.

I hope that by writing about it - you can go in the right direction, (whatever that is for ya). Maybe remembering this feeling will keep you from staying where you are, does that makes sense?

I guess this is where you (actually, where I)question whether it's better to feel bad than to feel nothing. whether the high was worth the fall. whether it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

when you're on top of the world you can't see the bottom of it. when you're on the bottom the middle looks mighty fine. when you're on the middle all you want is to move somewhere, anywhere.

i know, this is all useless ramblings. but hey, if we've all been there, we've all gotten out of there. and if you can see that then you're already half-way finished with it.

It's times and emotions like these that remind me... this is the stuff of a rich life. To feel things deeply, to be moved, to be changed by an experience or a person. It's precious and fleeting and meaningful and painful all wrapped up in a breath or a smell or a smile.

A reason to give thanks, to know you are alive...

Jealousy can lead you astray, because it's based in a belief that now isn't enough. Now is all there is...

My best counter for jealousy is gratitude. (For me, in my life) When I'm grateful for what is, there isn't room for much else.

Thanks so much for sharing this...

Wow. Great post, Jimbo.

My experience is that you're either an "open relationship" kind of person, or you're not. Maybe it's a matter of understanding which category you fall into??

Jimbo: Posts like this are why I visit here every day. (Well, and I like boobs, too.)

Your honesty is an inspiration to me. Truly. I learn from you.

It sucks to be jealous - but it is a gift to be able to express it, to share it with others. Thank you.

The hardest thing that I've ever had to do was to let go of Mitchell. Especially since he still calls me. I mean, good lord, we had a baby together, get over it already!

For five years I tried to catch a butterfly with my net.

We were soulmates, joined at the heart and he knew it, but I couldn't keep him. He's a free spirit, a true butterfly, and the harder I chased the faster he flitted away. If I stood umoving long enough, he would come to land on my shoulder briefly - that only made it hurt more when he took off again.

At first I thought you were jealous of the curvature of my ass - that I have it and you don't. But then you started talking about HER again!
>; )

I've ... sensed this coming for a couple of weeks now. Here's hoping you're doing as well as the emotional average of the post and the "preemptive comment" suggest you are.

If you ever want to have a quiet jealousy-free beer (preferably at Lucky Baldwin's in Pasadena, or the Fox and Hounds in Studio City, but anywhere is okey-doke) you know where to find me.

deegee, THAT is excellent advice. And I agree wholeheartedly. gratitude. be thankful for what you have. there is no room for jealousy when you are grateful.

and i remain very, VERY grateful for what i have.

Oh my god, I know how you're feeling.... nausea, that sharp point in your stomach... I really feel for you. I've been there before and there's really nothing worse.
I hope tomorrow is better, then the day after that is too.

I think these may be the nicest, most well-intentioned, and helpful comments I've ever read to a post.
The good thing about jealousy (if there is anything good) is that it doesn't last forever. This period will end, and you'll be back to your normal non-jealous cocky-ass self :) , having learned something very important about yourself and understanding your feelings and personality better. Isn't that what this life thing is about, getting to know you?

I'm rarely jealous over love, which seems to be the common reason it happens; if I didn't know me, I'd say I had never loved.

I'm generally more jealous over ability and perceive talent. Wish I could be stronger, or faster, or smarter, like that boy over there. But it's fleeting when I realize they're ugly and there's not much you can do about that.

Jimbo,
You are meant for somene who can do all the things you need. You will find her.
I know I can't make your pain go away, but I want you to know that you are not alone.
-D

The hope is the hardest damn part. For several months now, I've been "walking away" from an affair that ended badly. It's only recently that I've made any real progress because it's only recently that I've actually, finally, truly given up hope of any future between her and I. Naturally, I don't know any specifics of your circumstances, but it wasn't until I stopped clinging for something--anything!--resembling a future involving her on some level that the burning fire in my stomach began to fade. Only then did the sharp twist in my gut every time I saw her begin to subside. It feels wretchedly empty when you finally let go of that last strand. It feels far worse than the self-destructive longing. The next day, however, is perceptibly better. You begin to realize, as Vanessa wisely pointed out above, how much emotional energy you've been pouring into jealously and anger and regret. With that realization comes the first real sense of healing (or whatever you choose to call it; progress? recovery?) and then a different kind of hope takes over again. A hope that doesn't dwell with circumstances out of your control, but rather lets you out of bed in the morning looking forward to the day instead of dreading what you might think or feel about her (or yourself) today.

Good luck, Jimbo. Like everyone before me has said, we've all been there. Cliche as it is: this too shall pass.

just wanted to say thank you to you all and wanted to assure you that i am doing fine. i am not nursing a broken heart, and despite the emotional ramblings here and the pangs of jealousy, i'm feeling quite all right.

and i agree with you viktor. here's a little something i wrote back when i was in fact nursing broken heart.

http://www.digitalcatharsis.cockybastard.com/archive/2002_11_03_archives.htm#85655030

"Nietzsche once wrote "hope is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man." Hope is useful in small doses. Hope is waking up and knowing that there is always a new day and new opportunities. In small doses it's the emotional latte that sends us on our merry way in the morning. But in large doses hope is addictive. It's devastating. It's vile and intoxicating and hallucinogenic. Hope leaves you vulnerable. Hope is the jab that sets you up for the knock out punch. Hope is the morphine you take to protect you from reality. Hope is the fuel of disappointment. Hope is what you have when you already know the outcome. And when the outcome is as expected, the loss of hope leaves you empty, broken, writhing with withdrawal."

What i have isn't hope. it's desire.

Very well articulated. And in the wake of all this insight, even a comment such as this seems trite. Sending a little Rocky Mountain sunshine your way.

Wow jimbo, you seem to have mastered the art of inner exploration. You are very fortunate to be so cognizant of your emotions and their manifestations. I am not patronizing you when I say kudo’s to you for exploring (pushing) your boundaries too. I hope you find some relief when you’ve defined them (If relief is what you are looking for). Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing Jimbo.

I always think of jealousy (and other emotions I think I'm past but keep biting me in the ass) as my inner 8th grader that I can't get away from. Sure for a while I'm an adult, then that little prick sneaks in makes me judgemental/jealous/petty/arrogant/insecure once again.

Your exploration is admirable. Keep on searching and shining light in on the dark places (8th graders hate bright light).

i have read your post a few times jimbo. the words you have written down struck a chord with me. it was if someone had struck my heart, my inner feelings with a hammer. i know exactly the words your trying to express into feelings, i have been there myself. i wish at the time i had known better, meaning, that i thought with the logical side of my brain and not with the other side. they don't call jealousy the 'green monster' for nothing you know. i think you have managed to say in some paragraphs what many of us have felt at times in our lives. your writing so moved me.

Wow. Thank you so much for your candor. This certainly opens a can of worms for me. About seven years ago I was consumed with this very thing. My sort-of boyfriend at the time was secretly seeing my roommate and best friend and I knew about it (I don't know which betrayal was worse - the guy or the friend!). Anyway, I went through agonizing jealousy for months, these caustic feelings gnawing away my insides and my purity. These thoughts of "why can't it be me this person has chosen?" that go on and on. I know where you are coming from! If I were to really dig deep, I could reveal my own unhealthy pattern since then of AVOIDING closeness in a relationship just because of the fear it will happen again. You have expressed these feelings so succinctly. Thank you.

I am constantly in awe of the words you string together that tug on my heart...

"You don’t miss having her, you miss her having you. You don’t want her. You want her wanting you."

Ugh. I hate being there...

You are not wrong.
You are not right.
You are just human.

As I read this my heart got sad. Not just because it reminds me of the hurt I've been through but also for the hurt you are experiencing. *hugs*

Jealousy has been my past enemy many, many times. Sometimes, it is easily contained, other times, it seems to take over you like a mad demon.

At the same time, it's okay to feel jealous. It's part of who we are.

Hey Jimbo -

Sometimes what comes from the heart can heal us or hurt us or both.

Have recently experienced what you're going thru now....and I wouldn't have missed it for the world....even tho my insides are shredded beyond belief.

Hang in there honey...a Jack and Coke is being consumed in your honor tonite.

xo

What a fucking great post. Seriously.

Told ya so

Only the mixture of time, distance, and new experience will give you relief from the symptoms. Unfortunately - as every is attesting - there is no cure, and the scab can be pulled off without warning. You understand your situation better than any of us, and it's nice to see that everyone here can simply identify without passing judegement or giving advice. You are very fortunate to have a such a broad base of people to bounce your issues off of, Jimmeroni.

Good luck, bro - just try not to kick the cocaine by replacing it with crack...

gravy nipple

You were dead-on with the drug analogy. It's an addiction.

Actually, it's worse. It's two sets of atoms that have become entangled. Trying to change the spin of your own system is damned tough, given the nature of physics.

It all comes down to a f*cking painful choice. Choose to stay enmeshed, entangled, or choose to feel that constant yanking at one's very fibre as time and distance work to reduce the pull of another's spin. It's going to hurt, anyway you choose.

I chose time and space; it hurt like little else has. Years later the entanglement is done and all that's left is bemusement.

Stronger entanglements have a way of reducing the effects of other entanglements. Worked best for me.

[On entanglement: http://www.kolmogorov.com/AczelE.html]

I've done time on both sides of this. Open relationships are some of the hardest to deal with. I even lost my best friend and lover of 2 years in dealing with one side, and it took me 7 years to get out of it on the other side.

No advice from here, just lots of cyber hugs from someone you don't know. A rather poor substitute I know.

I don't comment much, but this post also struck a chord with me. I wanted to thank you for writing and posting it.