Money.
So apparently none of you are interested in pretty pictures of trees or climbing stories about adventure in the great outdoors. It's all about the beefcake and penis jokes, admit it.
Fine.
A Saturday Night in Los Angeles.
More evidence that every place in LA is infinitely cooler than anyplace in OC. Especially when that place is the Forty Deuce, LA club and cabaret. Small. Dark. A recessed bar, dark wood fixtures, a catwalk stage, a three piece band. A stellar DJ. Gold sparkles on the ceiling. And bathrooms labeled simply with "Penis" and "Vagina." Not surprisingly, there's always a line of people trying to get into the vagina.
Never bring your ego. Here's the rub. When you go to a popular bar in Los Angeles, you will be the ugliest person in the room. The VIP section is usually filled with celebrity types. People with fame, money, talent, looks, and typically a small entourage of women who look remarkably like Playmates because, um, THEY ARE. Everyone working in the bar is better looking than you, all of your ex-girlfriends, boyfriends, and the person you thought about while masturbating in the shower last night. All of the people IN the bar, although not necessarily famous, rich, and talented are TRYING to be famous, rich, and talented and subsequently are way better looking than you, all your ex-girlfriends, boyfriends, or the person you thought about while masturbating in the shower last night. I swear Los Angeles sets an impossible standard. I think I want plastic surgery. Anybody know where I can get a life transplant?
Despite the fact that I was probably the ugliest person in the bar, a totally random, terribly intoxicated and surprisingly attractive little blonde girl stuck her tongue in my mouth while we were chatting. I have no idea why. She tasted like lemon drops and made me promise to remember her name as she insisted that one day I would be working for her.
So Courtney, it's a shame your boyfriend whisked you out of there before I got a handle on that job description. I'm more than ready for a career change if it means lots of good, old-fashioned sexual harassment in your office.
B-list amnesia. Inevitably, unless you are a total celebrity whore, you will spend a lot of time looking at people thinking, isn't that the girl from that movie with that guy from that band? And yes, it is.
Owen Wilson looks way better in his man blouse than you look in yours. Maybe that's why he is dating the white-hot, South American cabaret dancer, the one on stage shaking her groove thang, and for the record, what a heavenly, heavenly thang to shake. Speaking of shaking, paint mixers can't move like that. Seriously. Call me. I'm sure Owen won't mind.
Should I be embarrassed to admit that when Vince Vaughn nodded hello and touched my shoulder to pass I almost got wood? Vince! Vaughn! Swingers! I'm so money baby!
Although, after Saturday, I certainly don't HAVE any money. You know you are in Los Angeles when your bar tab is more, no, considerably more, than your sushi dinner for three. Care to guess what two Sapphire and tonics, three lemon drop shots, and three eight ounce bottles of water cost at the Forty Deuce (with tip)? Bet you are wrong.
Really wanna know?
$128 and change.
For five drinks. And water.
And that doesn't include the $10 bucks to get in.
Or the valet charge.
Comments
Ok...I like the beefcake and the penis jokes but I also liked the pretty pictures...I just don't comment a lot...the quiet type. How about beefcake with a pretty background? Hmmm? Then we'd have it all.
Posted by: daisy | August 3, 2004 11:09 AM
Note to self: no showering at Casa Jimbo.
Good story, though. For that kind of coin, you should've gotten more than just a little tongue...
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | August 3, 2004 12:17 PM
Or the cab fare to Rite Aid for Herpecin.
Posted by: melly | August 3, 2004 12:41 PM
nice. so true about hellay. im with you as a bottom feeder in the land of the beautiful. What you described was a week of nights I had in New York, but without the celebrities and with 25% more bar bill.
rock on.
oh, and VV gives me wood too and i have a vagina.
Posted by: xtx | August 3, 2004 03:33 PM
Was it pretty easy to get in? Lines out the door? I read about that place not too long You think a hot shorty could get if she tried?
Posted by: The Devil | August 3, 2004 04:03 PM
At least you didn't get a parking ticket.
Posted by: jaden | August 3, 2004 04:28 PM
$175. Roughly 22 each Sapphire, 18 each non-call vodka shot, and 10 a pop for the water to discourage such obnoxiously healthy behavior. Priced right about the level of mere decadence. Sorry, but any more than that would have been truly obscene, wood or no wood, wet or no wet, tongue or no tongue.
And I'm a lousy tipper when the drinks are that much, aren't you?
Posted by: Rayne | August 3, 2004 05:02 PM
hel-LA standards... no table service = no dates.
lol - melly.
there's another 'devil' in the room??
Posted by: dvl | August 3, 2004 05:19 PM
Nice anecdote Jim. Very entertaining!
--
I met a Courtney this weekend too, tasted more like Sierra Nevada though :)
Posted by: jody | August 3, 2004 05:43 PM
Next time, go to the Polo Lounge or the bar at The Bel Aire Hotel or even the bar at the Four Seasons....all the glitter, non of the craziness....just luxury. It might even be just a speck more affordable. (And only half the people are prettier than you!)
Also, the Polo Lounge around midnight is usually packed with celebs. Don't bother paying for the valet (unless of course, you need to make an *entrance!*), there's tons of parking on the street just around the corner. But tip the bartender well, and you'll get great service. (Also, next time you're going there, I hope you'll give me a call!!)
Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr | August 3, 2004 09:22 PM
Mmmmm...Vince Vaughan....
Posted by: Xdm | August 4, 2004 07:04 AM
Love me some blog spam!
I got hit by those poker bastards the other day.
MT-Blacklist is your friend.
http://www.jayallen.org/projects/mt-blacklist/
Posted by: Matt | August 4, 2004 07:47 AM
yep. blacklist has been a lifesaver for me. that bastard hit me 50 times last night.
ass cancer to them all.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | August 4, 2004 07:59 AM
"More evidence that every place in LA is infinitely cooler than anyplace in OC."
Umm...nope.
But a VERY fun post anyway. :o)
Posted by: pua | August 4, 2004 08:18 AM
i let you see my tits if i can lick the shirt/shoulder that vince vaughn touched.
Posted by: angela | August 4, 2004 11:21 AM
Oh, ~slaps forehead~ for a moment I thought you were describing a certain snobby neighborhood near me.
$128?
Whew!
Posted by: aithne | August 4, 2004 02:26 PM
What I got out of this entry: Jimbo wanks it in the shower. Pack flip-flops if I should ever find myself needing to shower at his pad.
Vince Vaughan goes out like very damn night, he's everywhere and usually looks like he was up until 9am the night before. Which he probably was.
Posted by: sean | August 4, 2004 06:43 PM
I come here for the material to use in the shower later...
And the pretty pictures. I saved one.
*tease, tease*
Posted by: Jennifer | August 4, 2004 06:58 PM
people in LA clubs are definitely beautiful, but the people out and about (especially during daylight hours) are generally uglier than OC people. You know, in OC they are genetically manipulated and bred to have that "look". LA people pay for that look...
Of course, I am the blatant exception to that rule. Born & raised in OC but Kentucky ugly. Damn, I lose. maybe I should move to the midwest so I can bump myself to a "7"?
Posted by: mia | August 4, 2004 11:18 PM
how is it that you people are now discussing my masturbatory habits on my blog?
seriously.
that's my job.
Posted by: the mighty jimbo | August 5, 2004 01:37 AM
Reminds me of my favorite masterbation joke:
"Jimbo jerks off in the shower so much he gets a hard-on when it rains." :P
Posted by: AVERAGE JOE | August 5, 2004 06:57 AM
Wow! Wish I had caught you while you were in DC. At my bar: Sapphire @ 8$. Non-call vodka @ 5$. Water @ 2$. 25% tip I expect. = Coulda seen me for just under 50$!! And I, for one, see the cool pics as a bonus to the sex talk.:)
Posted by: Scarlett | August 6, 2004 12:58 AM
Show me the $$MONEY$$!!!
Posted by: Lelu | August 7, 2004 04:41 PM
You're so money and you don't even know it!
Posted by: Lelu | August 7, 2004 04:41 PM