Digital Catharsis: Tides, part 1.

It was good. At times it was amazing. And I have no regrets. Well, aside from not taking her to Hawaii. To be totally honest, I still have never had sex on the beach - in spite of that big, sandy, wet place just 100 yards away from my bedroom. Then again, sex on Newport Beach doesn't seem all so desirable. Or, uh, cleanly. That's one place I really don't want to get a red tide.

She remains an amazing woman. And thankfully, she remains as she began, as my friend. But she was also a fantasy realized. More than she will ever, ever know. From the time I first saw her photograph, her face was burned into my brain. She was like a flashbulb going off in my skull. Even after all this time I can't look at her without losing a heartbeat. She remains the prettiest girl in the world.

(Shoosh!)

She challenged me. Made me feel wanted. Made me feel alive. She made me take beefcake pictures. Deepest apologies to anyone with my last name who saw them. She pushed me. She pulled me. She tied me up. Now if she would only tell me where she put the keys to those cuffs.

That night on the dance floor. The night I first met her. She was still married. I was barely single. That unspoken attraction. Dancing. The touch of a hip. The hand on a waist. Secretly, silently, undeniably erotic. Months later, that hungry, decadent kiss in the doorway of Todd's bedroom. That week in the hotel. God, that week in that hotel. Those are moments when I thought I had to be dreaming. And maybe I was. But so what? It's good to have good dreams. Even better to live them.

She was the most exotic of adventures. She pulled me out of my shell as easily as she pulled me out of my clothes. And honestly, you know it's good when after every visit, I got injured. Bruises. Strains. Sprains. Bites. Scratches.

(Heh, Todd always said you were dangerous.)

But maybe that's not a good thing. We had chemistry. But chemistry isn't always stable. Or healthy. As we found out. It's funny, when she called to call it off, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't hurt. Frankly, I expected it to end. I am surprised it lasted as long as it did. Hell, I'm surprised it happened at all! I may well be a Narcissist, but I'm an insecure Narcissist. It may be all about me, but that doesn't mean I expect it to be. Nor did I ever expect to wake up next to someone who embodied everything I find physically attractive in a woman. Or a man I suppose, if there's a man out there with those boobs. And no, I'm not interested in links to any she-male sites, thank you so very much.

(Pervert.)

I never expected any more from her than what we had. And Lord knows I was grateful for even that. But I'd be a liar if I didn't say I kept a not-so-secret fantasy that maybe, possibly, miraculously things would change and that maybe, possibly, miraculously it would all magically work out. Like maybe I would wake up and things would be different or she would be different or I would be different.

It's the same improbable fantasy that keeps people buying lottery tickets week after week. Nobody believes they will win, but they love the fantasy. I suppose there is always the chance. Regardless, removing her cover always paid out way better than removing the cover of a lottery ticket.

(That lingerie looks way better in a pile on the floor than little sticky metal shavings.)

In the end, like most people in my life, she is like the tide. She comes and she goes. She isn't controlled, isn't easily influenced. And I'm not delusional enough to try. I could make some corny or crass "ride her" or "left me high and dry" or "all I got is wet" joke but really, I'm totally above that kind of thing.

(As if.)

And so my naughty little adventure with my rock and roll diva has sadly, depressingly, tragically come to its unfortunate, if inevitable end. Well, you know what they say about rock and roll. Here today, gone later today.

Me? I look forward to tomorrow. As I said, I have no regrets. I had fun. I think she did too. And through this year I've come to learn more about what I want and what I need. What I miss. And yes, I already miss her. Wouldn't you? Have you seen her? I hope you did, because at least on this site, you aren't likely to see her again. At least not in the way you have become accustomed. It's time to curtail the provocative stuff. She was the inspiration and the impetus. And as sexy as compelling as she remains, it isn't healthy to covet. I think it's time to take some of my private life private. At least for a little while.

(Don't let this stop anyone else from sending me naked pics.)

And so, my favorite pink piggy, thank you for being my lover. And thank you for remaining my friend. I love you dearly. I did before and I do now. Come visit again soon. Only you had better leave the boobs at home from now on. I don't think I need that kind of temptation.

Comments

One more amazing adventure to add to your memories...life's good.

Posted by: daisy | September 1, 2004 06:20 AM

This is so AWESOME!

Wait, no, not the end of an era stuff.

The fact that I've done it on a beach and you haven't!

That's right. I did, and YOU didn't. Thailand Schmailand!

Posted by: melly | September 1, 2004 06:45 AM

Sex on the beach hurts...sand in the kitty sucks. You didn't miss anything there.

Very well written. You have a better handle on your emotions at the end of a relationship than I will ever have on mine.

Posted by: Boo, the li'l sis | September 1, 2004 07:09 AM

What Boo said. Man, I wish I could come out of a relationship that level headed. Admirable, sir, admirable.

And yes, sex on the beach is far better talked about than experienced.

Really I'm only posting though because, well, wow, I have something in common with Melly. Cool.

Posted by: Viktor | September 1, 2004 09:39 AM

i totally disagree, and this is one of those things that makes us the different people that we are. i believe i will win the lotto :P i may be delusional but what's the point in buying something only to think that it won't pay out? people may be in love with the fantasy but they allow themselves further submission into it than to think that they won't win, half-assed fantasizing is lame and pointless!

incidentally, i don't much like being referred to as a thing, i felt like a thing when i read this, just an observation - perhaps one that will help in the future.

Posted by: tassy | September 1, 2004 11:04 AM

Very well written. I too wish I had that kind of composure at the end of a relationship. And really, where would we be without fantasy?

Posted by: Amy V | September 1, 2004 11:52 AM

It is good to know when it is time to move on and be able to admit it and try to do it. Life does go on and the sun will rise tomorrow no matter how dark the day before seems.
Cherish the memories but do not dwell on it for new ones are waiting to be made. I think Boo and I need to talk about sex on the beach. My offspring cease to amaze me but not always the way I want them to.

Posted by: the big momma | September 1, 2004 03:14 PM

sorry about that tassy. it wasn't an easy piece to write, trying to make it both personal and public. you know you are way more than just great boobs to me. you are a great ass too!

;-)

i kid! i kid!

seriously though. i am very, very lucky to have you in my life. you have been a good friend. and i am very grateful.

((big hugs))

Posted by: the mighty jimbo | September 1, 2004 03:23 PM

i really gotta wonder why the people who share my last name insist on reading this blog. seriously. this is strangely masochistic of you all.

i know none of you wanna know about my porn habits and i definitely never want to hear about my sister's "kitty."

familial ignorance is bliss! remember, if you don't know about it, it didn't happen!

Posted by: the mighty jimbo | September 1, 2004 03:29 PM

Has no one ever heard of a blanket?

Posted by: melly | September 1, 2004 07:12 PM

Jimbo, from one sexy bald narcissist to another, you bowed out much more gracefully than you had to have. You, my friend, have style and class.

Just a few thoughts, and I would like to state that I mean no disrespect whatsoever to Tassy by what I have to say. She seems like an incredible woman to have known. The problem with those situations, is that most of us have had them, and frankly, the memory of it is much better than actually having it. We love those women to death BECAUSE they are the un-keepable, they are the forbidden dance, the mystery, the demon, and the one thing on earth that we would undoubtedly sell our soul for one more night with. The raw unbridled passion speaks for itself. It's all about the fantasy and the chase, you said it best yourself. Now, for the other side of the coin. We are the object of stability that they have rarely had, if ever in their life. We are equally an experiment in life to them, as they are to us. It's all about experiencing something different in life.

The music police are going to come after me for sure for even breaching the subject, but a very appropriate song is Waterfalls by TLC.

Jimbo, best of luck to you, go have a couple drinks and get feeling better, and Tassy, best of luck to you as well. I hope that both of you find what is waiting out there for you.

Posted by: Broch | September 1, 2004 07:17 PM

i'm with melly on that one, and is it just me or did your mum just say that all of her children have stopped impressing her?

Posted by: tassy | September 1, 2004 07:18 PM

i only knew her through your words on this blog (and her comments). she seemed to me to be one of those rare sparkles that comes along in your life and teaches you something about yourself. i think she's a goddess, or at least a muse. maybe even a diva.

Posted by: bmw | September 1, 2004 08:02 PM

This reminds me of a love I lived once.
Always will re-live when necessary in a way. (Mind you, the re-living is not always a positive experience.) The kind of love that is simply too good to last... I realised that - every day that passed I told myself: can't last. Self-fulfilling prophecy in a way.
Someone described it to me once (and you should be able to relate to that) as a huge wave you're scared to ride because you know the coming down will be more than you can take. But only a fool would pass up on a once in a lifetime chance.
Well... maybe two if you're lucky. Or three if somebody up there likes you.

You don't want a blanket.

Only life in all it's roughness can take you completely through. Blankets soften up the cutting edges.
You need to bleed before you can heal.

But the scars will always remind you.

Posted by: cleopatra | September 2, 2004 01:03 AM

See, clearly what you need is a can opener. So that you can open the green beans of life and really smell them. Then microwave them.

Then you'll buy a towel. A towel that will help wipe away all of the grime and regret of existence from the counter of your soul.

I love you both, but you need citrus fruit such as an oranges. So that you might recall the seeds of life. Birth and change ... and then maybe an ice cream scooper and a midget ...

Posted by: melly | September 2, 2004 08:11 PM

melly, if you ever stop commenting i will stop writing.

Posted by: the mighty jimbo | September 2, 2004 10:02 PM

jimbo, we've known eachother almost two years and today i must confess that i only read your site to read melly's comments.
(har har... love you, kid)

Posted by: dvl | September 2, 2004 10:08 PM

I LOVE MELLY!

Posted by: tassy | September 3, 2004 08:30 AM

Okay, but I'm kind of lumpy, so you might want to shut the lights off first.

Posted by: melly | September 4, 2004 01:00 PM