(Posted from the South Terminal at Gatwick for the low low price of six dollars.)

So I've got a few hours to kill while in DFW waiting for my flight to Gatwick (followed by my flight to Milan and my drive to Arco), and if this infuriating T-mobile WiFi signal would work for longer than two minutes at a clip I will post something new. Goddam Admirals Clubs. Like everything else in these clubs, good idea, bad execution. I really wish American Airlines would do SOMETHING right.

Anyway, in the spirit of the moment, I bring you my take on one of my favorite elements of air travel, the ubiquitous Sky Mall catalog, or as I like to call it, “Shit You Don't Need, Shouldn't Want, and Probably Can't Afford. “

My personal favorite products from the Summer 2004 collection:

The Electronic Pepper Mill. That's right - battery powered, for those of you who can't manage to grind those massive peppercorns under your own power. Look, if you are so out of shape that you can't manage to twist a pepper mill, I'm thinking you probably ought not to be eating anyhow. And it only takes six, yes SIX double A batteries. Just $30. Batteries not included. Just curious, but what could you be doing at the dinner table that you couldn’t dedicate two hands to adding spice to your food? Never mind. Don’t answer that.

Or how about the neck mounted evaporative cooler. Really? You would wear a one-pound swamp cooler around your neck just to blow the sweat off your face? A product for only the most affluent white trash. If it's that hot, here's an idea, don't go outside. Or better yet, move to Canada.

There is also a $50 one-minute eyeglass cleaner. I didn’t know cleaning your glasses took so much time out of your day that you needed to automate that process. Just how long does it take you to spit and wipe? More than a minute? Really? I'm just guessing that a lifetime of snot rags and saliva is still less than $50.

Then of course there is the $140 pet staircase designed to help your porker of a pooch convenient access to places dogs shouldn't be allowed to go anyhow. He's a dog. He's not supposed to be on your couch. I'm increasingly convinced this product doesn’t exist to help the dog jump onto your lap. It's to keep you from having to pick him up. I think it's time for both of you to break out the Fit and Trim. Or better yet, take him for a walk. And don't forget your portable swamp cooler. You don’t deserve a dog. Buy a cat you pussy.

I’m not even sure what the hell this thing is, but the $100 Healthy Swinger supposedly “tones” your body when you lay down on it as it rocks you back and forth. Basically, it moves your ass for you. Look, if you have become so fat that you can’t even wiggle, really, your problems are way bigger than your immobile rear end. Don’t look to Sky Mall for help. Look to serious therapy.

Then of course we have the $129 wheeled roller bag pet carrier. Tell you what, give me the $129, I’ll invest $2.50 for a leash, and I’ll walk your dog through the airport to the gate.

They also sell a $125 wearable air purifier. Unless you live in Riverside or San Bernardino or, God forbid, Norco, you can certainly live without this device, and probably should. For those of you who do live in Riverside or San Bernardino or, God forbid, Norco, you really are better off using that $125 to move somewhere that doesn’t smell like diesel, dust, and dairy farms.

The Sky Mall also has four PAGES dedicated to Lord of the Rings merchandise, concluding with a $200 set of Gollum/Smeagol collectable bookends. What library is complete without a pewter replica of perhaps the ugliest literary character in history? Perfect for the man who has everything. Except a girlfriend.

Finally, and my personal favorite, the $900, eight foot tall “Mombassa,” your own “garden giraffe.” “Yeah, my house is easy to find. Make a left at the 7-11 and just look for the giraffe.”

WTF?

Look, this passive/aggressive pedophilia shit isn’t working out so well for Michael Jackson, It’s not going to work out for you either.

I don’t know who buys this stuff. But I think I know where I’m doing my Christmas shopping this year.