Dilemmas.
I know I’ve been bitching a lot. I know I’ve been whining a lot. I know most of you are thinking that maybe Morrissey might be a more upbeat alternative to Jimbo right about now. Maybe you should know what all this is about.
I’ve been boxing with shadows in an increasingly darkened room.
Four years ago today I began a new career after seven years with a small company in Irvine, California. I had been working as the Sales and Marketing Director at a twenty-person start-up scientific software company with a meager $3M in annual revenue. I was miserable. I was in a rut. My professional life was a rapidly becoming a mockery, my romantic life was utterly nonexistent, and my tiny 401K virtually vaporized when the bubble burst in 2000 -an almost audible “POP” that launched thousands of tech workers into the street. A pop that occurred at just about the same time I decided to quit my own job in information technology.
I had $3000 in cash to my name when I left and went to Africa for a month. For the foreseeable future I was living on credit cards and that $3000. In case you hadn’t guessed from previous posts, that sum doesn’t go all that far when you live in Orange County and have rent, credit cards, and car payments to make.
But that decision proved to be one of the most important in my life. I climbed Kilimanjaro and summitted despite dizzying altitude sickness and 24 sleepless hours of trekking at altitude. I witnessed lions hunting in the Serengeti. I was chased by a pissed-off bull-elephant on the rim of Ngorongoro crater. I went sailing in the rain in a hand-carved dhow off the coast of Zanzibar and went diving with sea snakes in those coral reefs.
I lost ten pounds from exertion and an inconsistent (at best) diet of vegetables and Indian Food, but more importantly, I lost a thousand pounds of psychological baggage.
I often tell people that Africa changed my life. This isn’t exactly correct. I changed my life, by choosing to go to Africa.
That decision, that action, combined with my experiences in Africa, was liberating in profound ways. Most dramatically, it made me realize that the worries and doubts and fears I had before were of my own creation. They were fantasies.
I only had $3000. So what? I saw people with leprosy, missing limbs, begging in the streets. I was fabulously wealthy by any comparison. I was unemployed. So what? Did I really believe that I was unemployable? I gave up a career. So what? In the end, all I lost was a paycheck.
I was suddenly living without fear. Within weeks of my returning to California, I was giving slide shows on Kilimanjaro in Orange County. I was in my first successful, reciprocated romantic relationship since, oh, high school. And I was recruited by one of the largest, most influential companies in the world, hired (with a fat signing bonus to pay off the credit cards) into a start-up life science division at the dawn of the genomic age, and began what would become the best job I had ever had. I near instantly doubled, then quickly tripled my income. And after a summer of training I was in the strongest, most athletic condition of my life.
I shook my tree.
I didn’t know what I wanted or where I was going, only that I wasn’t getting anywhere by sitting in a dead-end job I hated and compensating for my misery by spending four hours a day in the gym.
It’s been four years since then, four years since I walked into that giant black and marble skyscraper for my training in Chicago, and I find myself rowing a bigger boat down the same river. The excitement of my gig has long past, replaced by the soulless drudgery of job I don’t believe in and am not motivated to perform. Ever tried to maintain a successful sales career when you can’t bring yourself to care? Ever tried to climb a corporate ladder when you are unmotivated by the view from the top? I find myself suddenly alone in my home, my friends all having moved on in their own lives and relationships, and becoming increasingly isolated in my life, either encapsulated in aluminum at 31,000 feet or sedated by this flickering pane of glass and the digital relationships that have become a narcotic substitute for the growing void of strong relationships in real life.
And again, I find myself growing increasingly desperate and increasingly despondent about what I want and where I am going.
It’s time to change. It’s time to shake the tree.
Four years ago, I had been motivated to act by a mountain in Africa. A goal that had been in the back of my mind for six or seven years.
Today my motivation is similar. A goal that has been in the back of my mind for four years now.
Four years ago I began saving for something bigger than Kili. A trip. A sabbatical. A trek around the world. No plans. No itineraries. Just boots and a bag. Three months? Six months? Twelve months? As long as I wanted. As long as I needed. The Taj Majal. The Great Wall. The base of Everest. The Great Barrier Reef. The icebergs of Antarctica. It’s all out there and it’s all suddenly possible.
Originally, I had hoped I would have a partner for this experience. Someone with whom I could share those sights and walk those roads and climb those mountains. I thought I had found that person at one time. I was wrong. Part of me wonders if I will find her on the road. Part of me wonders if the only thing I will find on the road is more of the same neuroses only in a different setting. Part of me wonders if all this wondering is just an excuse keep from making a difficult decision. Action by inaction.
Four years later I have nearly 300,000 frequent flier miles on American Airlines. This equates to four, possibly six free intercontinental flights. This corporate monkey has wings. I have put together the financial resources to leave my job, and leave my lifestyle relatively intact for at least a year (depending on the expense of the travel and the status of my current investments).
Surprisingly however, these resources are simultaneously the solution and the source of my current dilemma.
This might sound crazy, but it’s a lot harder to leave when you can as opposed to when you can’t. When I left for Africa in 2000, the decision was made easier by the fact that I really had so little to work with. Gambling is easy when you have nothing to lose. Human beings are usually significantly more inclined to guard what they have as opposed to gambling for what they don’t.
And honestly, I have a lot to lose. It’s this that has been keeping me up at night. I know I can’t keep this job, but I also fear I can’t leave it.
Part of my pining away for a partner right now is my desperate need for some assurance. Someone to help me make my leap. Regardless of which direction. Leaping is always easier when you have a hand to hold on the way down. Or someone to give you a push.
I know that if I am going to make this trek, I need to make it soon. I’m old enough to know that decisions like this do not get any easier as you get older, and opportunities like this do not become any more abundant. But at the same time, I really would prefer to take this trek with someone special. Granted, the last vacation I spent with a lover turned out to be one of the most miserable vacation experiences of my life, despite the extraordinary beauty of my surroundings.
What, I never wrote about that part of Thailand?
There’s a reason for that. It still stings to think about it.
Regardless, I need a change. I’m not sure where I want to go with my career, but a certain produce related technology company is interested in talking to me right now. A resume will likely be en route tonight. And this may provide just the springboard I need to bounce me out of this hole.
It may also be a dive into another corporate mud puddle and another way to avoid taking the bigger risk of checking out of corporate America and checking into the world.
Comments
Take the jump, Jimbo ;)
Posted by: Suz | October 14, 2004 09:59 PM
You might find some inspiration at http://photobiker.com/
Posted by: me | October 14, 2004 10:20 PM
gosh, i SO know what it feels like to have friends move on.. and seemingly leave you behind. it's so hard to find your own life.. your own love.. it's very very hard... i found my friends moving aways almost ten years ago now.and i still have a hard time making my own new life.
Posted by: tash | October 14, 2004 10:56 PM
oh shut the fuck up and make a decision damn it.
Learn to surf. Eat meat. And don't be so picky with the women.
Oh and get off the damn blog and go to the beach and meet a girl dammit. Or leave California.
Just go surf and your whole mentality will change.....trust me...
Ken
Posted by: jims brother | October 15, 2004 12:17 AM
oh...and thanks for the words on your last blog...I appreciate the concern....
thus my concern for your well being
That's why we are brothers.
Ken
Posted by: jims brother | October 15, 2004 12:20 AM
I'll make you a deal. If you make this change, take this leap, I'll meet you somewhere on your trip - any one of the places you've mentioned. My guess is that there are other readers who will do the same. Not that my current story is all that interesting, but I'm ready to make some own changes in my life and at the very least want to surround myself with people who understand this, and support this.
Posted by: Julie | October 15, 2004 04:35 AM
What Ken said.
And Ken - Safe trip.
Posted by: Lynne | October 15, 2004 05:42 AM
Do it. It sounds like you know how to land on your feet. The trip to Africa sounds amazing. I suspect this next change will be as well.
Posted by: Lisa | October 15, 2004 06:09 AM
i'd say 'do it', but I reckon you know that you're gonna do it anyway, and deliberating is just part of the process.
Posted by: rowan | October 15, 2004 07:53 AM
Bobcat Mountain in SW Wisconsin. Tallest point in the state, overlooking the Kickapoo River. Out of control. There, you will find your destiny, young Padowan.
Seriously though, with all that moohlah you got there, perhaps it's time for a career counselor...you'd be surprised at the results. I made the website for a career counselor in exchange for the counseling when I was unemployed, and it was good to get a different perspective. Now I always ask people when they bitch about their jobs..."But what do you _want_ to do?" I know it sounds corny, but the book 'What Color Is Your Parachute?' is useful too.
Posted by: jimbo east | October 15, 2004 07:53 AM
"I often tell people that Africa changed my life. This isn’t exactly correct. I changed my life, by choosing to go to Africa."
Brilliant, Jimbo. Absolutely brilliant. I'm a psychotherapist-in-training -- do you know how LONG we have to work with some people to get them to that simple insight about their own power over their lives? Their own ability to choose?
Way to go, Jimbo. Go out there and have a great time -- but spare a thought for this little hamster squeaking away on his wheel.
Posted by: Luis | October 15, 2004 08:00 AM
What you see as a dilemma, many others would see as a treasure. To have the money and resources to fly around the world is something that most of us only dream about and can never realize at your age. Most of us think "when I retire". You have the opportunity now and I'm pretty sure you won't waste it. Just think, have any of the MAJOR decisions you've made in your life ended with truly disasterous results (relationships don't count)? It doesn't sound like it to me. So make the jump, know that you'll land upright (again) and for God's sake, don't stop writing when you go so that we can live through you vicariously.
And Godspeed to your brother. I hope his tour goes without incident.
Posted by: kdub | October 15, 2004 08:19 AM
Try to remember the feeling (I am guessing) of liberation you got in Africa when you made the realization that it wasn't scary, it was Real. Nothing great ever happens when you are sitting still. Whenever I get in a rut, I make myself make at least one semi-major decision. This usually gives me enough of a feeling of success that I can move forward. Take the leap. Sounds like you are pretty good at landing on your feet. Keep on keepin on!
Posted by: Jazzy | October 15, 2004 09:56 AM
You may be unhappy and feel like you are in a rut, but to me it looks like you have solid plans going for a nice long break. I say to take the opportunity while it is here. I doubt that you would regret it.
Do what you feel you have to to ensure that there will be a job for you when you return, but don't stress over it too much. A job is a job and you have the skills and experience to find another, should the need arise.
Have fun on your trek and don't forget the camera...
Posted by: Kara | October 15, 2004 11:52 AM
Ahhh, yes, a familiar dilemma to us all, I think. You're not alone in this, that is for sure. What are you going to regret in the end? Staying with a position that is killing you or going on a journey that can positively influence your life! I'm envious. I've always wanted to do that. Just pack a bag...and go. You never know what will cross your path.
Posted by: Jen | October 15, 2004 12:02 PM
change jobs and move to a new city. b/w jobs take a month off. I cannot in good faith recommend jumping ship. It sounds good in theory but not in reality. moving to a new city will be like an endless african safari. what do you have to loose?
and if all else fails, I'll come over and lube your nipples (ohmy, I can't believe I wrote that).
Posted by: stella | October 15, 2004 01:06 PM
I have a single foxy sister and a single foxy best friend.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Posted by: helenjane | October 15, 2004 01:07 PM
When I ran off to Cali for 8 months, the intentions weren't pure.. but I did figure a lot of stuff out. I allowed myself to chase a dream of mine (NOT acting) and even though it didn't work out, I at least got to experience and I finally had the answer once and for all. Moving back to FL was bittersweet. I loved Pasadena more than anything, but my friend and family are all here.. and coming back, I do find myself having a better appreciation of them. I wonder how you felt when you came back from Africa? Were you glad to be home? Were you glad to be among friends?
I could never say if you should or shouldn't go, but I doubt you'll have trouble finding work coming back.. hell, looked what happened after you got back from Africa.. you got the bigger and better job! :)
I struggle with this dilema everyday.. a side of me wants to run back to cali and the other side of me is content to stay here and be responsible and be the good little 3rd grade teacher that I am....
My motto is with no risk, there is no reward.... just know that no matter what you choose, you'll be supported. :)
Have a great weekend
Melinda
Posted by: Melinda | October 15, 2004 02:24 PM
What your brother commented was AWESOME. I need to get me one of those brother things. Maybe then I'd lose some weight, work on my ping pong skills, and go somewhere other than Oklahoma. And get laid. And finish my degree. And finally have that lesbian experience I meant to have in my freshman year of college. And put down this can of honey-roasted peanuts ...
Posted by: melly | October 15, 2004 02:55 PM
I'll be in Sydney from the middle of February to the middle of July--come visit!
Posted by: Beth | October 15, 2004 06:17 PM
Here's a thought...help someone else.
Take 18 days off and canvass your butt off for Kerry. Help out a Habitat for Humanity site. I'm a Foster Mom for my Humane Society...I take in the 2 and 3 week old puppies that have been abandoned and help them get fat and healthy...you could do that too. Be a newborn baby NICU rocker....(sick babies need to be rocked and there are not always enough volunteers to do this). Get involved with a Literacy program. Help someone start their own blog.
Helping others can be the lifesaver you need to dig yourself out of the hole your life has become....spoken from experience and spoken with love and concern.
:-)
Posted by: Kath | October 15, 2004 07:03 PM
Oh Christ. Jimbo... You know better than anyone! Go back and read your own words. Risk=Life.
Don't forget that. Grab life by the short and curlies, and have some fun. When you get back, you can settle back into your standard of living. Jobs are truly a dime a dozen, whereas, life -- You are only young once.
Hell. This might be the time you meet someone perfect following their dream as well.
Hugs to you, my friend. Don't miss this opportunity!!!
...Tan.
Posted by: NetChick | October 15, 2004 09:49 PM
I say jump. If you're miserable, buffer or no buffer, I say leave. I did it in 2002 - put everything I owned in storage, quit my job and left. Six months later I came back with a better sense of what I wanted, a partner, and a new city - the time, space and perspective was what I needed.
BUT....
You've found yourself in the same river, just with a bigger boat? This seems to suggest that what you're doing job-wise isn't a long term solution or passion for you. I know we can't always have a job that rocks our world, but, if you've got the time and the financial resources to spend a bit of time finding out...
It's be nice not to find yourself on the same river again in a couple of years.
Posted by: cassie | October 16, 2004 04:32 AM
ps. you're always welcome to camp out on my couch
Posted by: cassie | October 16, 2004 04:33 AM
Wouldn't this decision be so much easier to make if you somehow lost your job? Is that what you are trying to do by writing about how much you hate it in such a public forum? Getting fired is not all that great. You obviously want to leave your job and you seem to just need that extra little push to do it, but getting fired is not the way to go, it will just hurt your chances of finding work once you get back. Ask for a leave of absence (you don't have to go back if you don't want to, but at least you'll have the security of knowing that there is a job for you to come back to). Or just quit, it will be easier to explain to potential employers than being fired. (For more about the dangers of writing about your job on your website, see Dooce.com)
I hope you get out of your rut soon, and have a great trip.
Posted by: Marina | October 16, 2004 08:49 AM
You sound a little like the Ally Sheedy character from "Breakfast Club." You have an unsatisfying home life. And as Emilio Estevez cleverly pointed out, we all have unsatisfying home lives... The simple truth is that you will never have a job that you like. You can have hobbies you like, take trips that you like, hang out with people you like, and even spend time working on things that you like. But a job is a job, homeboy. If it didn't suck, they would call it something else...
As far as finding a woman, it's time to have the "Who Wants to Hold Jimbo's Hand?" reality contest. Either that, or sell your love on eBay.
My unsolicited opinion is that you have built your life around very alpha male types of activities - rock climbing, working out, high-powered sales jobs, motorcycle riding, pink shirts... ok, strike that last one. The problem is that you don't really see yourself as that alpha male. Maybe you want to be, but there's something missing. Call it the Eye of the Tiger. A very subtle shift in your attitude and confidence would take care of it. Morrissey was adored by a plethora of teenaged snake bitches, but he was no Jim Morrison... Think about it.
Posted by: SEAN | October 16, 2004 08:55 AM
Sending you some good vibes.
Good luck making this decision. I'm sure it will all be a part of the interesting story of your life.
Posted by: kaya | October 16, 2004 09:40 AM
Oh just do it!!! And stop worrying about sharing the experience with someone, it sounds like what you need is a trip ALONE so you can collect your own thoughts and figure out what you want to do in life. Along the way you'll meet plenty of women on the road, and when you get back you'll have more experiences and thoughts and values and ideas to share with the RIGHT woman when she does show up.
You learned a lesson when you took your first trip. Two years ago I also could not make a decision and then was forced to when my house burned down. Don't ever forget those lessons, they're important ones.
And Kath's suggestion was also a great one - join Habitat for Humanity or something like that. Not everyone gets the chance to do things like that, but those that do say they have no regrets.
Posted by: Pischina | October 16, 2004 01:18 PM
You already know what you want to do, it's just a matter of doing it. (Easier said than done, I know)
If you don't read solbeam's journal (www.solbeam.com), you should. She scrapped her corporate job to go on permanent walkabout; her stories are breathtaking.
Posted by: amandarin | October 16, 2004 05:35 PM
i've extended the invite to the Great White North (edmonton) a few times before. AAAAAND we got 17 cms of snow today - how's THAT for extreme adventure? (hey, it's october!)
otherwise - you're getting all sorts of goodness vibes from the Internet. you are loved!
Posted by: dayna | October 16, 2004 05:40 PM
Bravo....
(Ironic, your California is my Africa.)
Posted by: Starkisses | October 16, 2004 07:05 PM
Jim, you've been saying the same things for over a year now. It's as if you can't go forward because there's too many things going on at the same time, too many priorities, choices, too many things that need doing. Spiritual A.D.D. or something like it.
Pick one thing -- the ONE thing -- that you really want, heart and soul, right now. Meditate on that ONE thing.
Then let go of it. Just concentrate on process going forward, not on the outcome.
I like what Kath said upthread, too. Do something for someone else, something you've never done. it will change your consciousness.
As Albert Einstein said, No problem was ever solved by the same consciousness that created it.
Change yours.
Posted by: Rayne | October 16, 2004 09:39 PM
If you build it, he will come.
Posted by: melly | October 17, 2004 12:59 PM
I was going to post a supportive comment here, but then I read the many other comments and something else jumped out at me: Do you have any idea how loved you are? I hope so.
And maybe the jump will be less scary if you think of all of us as a sort of safety net. =)
Posted by: Bridget | October 17, 2004 08:38 PM
it's in you, not somewhere else. if you need to go somewhere to find where it is in you, fine.
opinion, of course, but i think you need to loosen the grip on finding your partner in life. it'll happen when least expected, right? but you have to let it flow.
Posted by: Brandon | October 18, 2004 09:53 AM
I first started reading your blog about a year and a half ago, right before I took a leap of my own. There was something inspiring about your energy - arrogant, sure, a little lost in the whole porn thing, yeah - but the crackle coming off the screen from your posts was so vibrant - your heart was so on fire - so open - you were lonely but putting it out there - not afraid to show up any flavor of funky you happened to be radiating that day. But something shifted in you, and I just couldn't watch anymore. Your heart shut down, and you covered it up with raging at people and immersing yourself in electronic porn. I kept coming back to read for a month or so - but it was like you had disappeared.
I don't know you - only what you put up on your blog - and I know that I probably have no right to say any of this to you - but in this odd way, you have been on my mind - this sort of background wrinkle of: how can Jim get back? how can he come back from that barren ledge he's out on? I tried a few times to reach out, but I seemed to just piss you off, so I stopped leaving comments.
Perhaps this will just piss you off, too, but I just had to say this: You have an amazing heart underneath all of that heaviness you're carrying around - and it feels that if you continue on as you have been, you will really lose yourself.
Please don't. Please - go and see the things that call to you . . . trust that things will work out . . . they will . . . you are a good man and Life is good . . . what more do you need to believe in than that?
Posted by: Katherine | October 21, 2004 05:27 PM