So after three years in beautiful, cosmopolitan Twenty Nine Palms, the good people at the United States Marine Corps have informed my baby brother that it's time for him to leave.

We were hoping with all our might that he was going to get another safe, cushy gig like he had in Hawaii, somewhere with lots of girls and beaches and sunshine like San Diego or Monterey (or Tahiti), but the Marines don't think shi-shi locations are good for character. It's unbecoming for a Marine to have that nice of a tan.

Unfortunately, all our worst fears have been confirmed.
My brother is being sent to...

(shudder)

North Carolina.

He's trading the crystal-rubbing, half-baked, toothless, pedophile meth-heads of 29 Palms for bible-thumping, half-boiled, toothless, inbred meth-heads of the North Carolina.

Actually, he'll probably adjust quite nicely.

(Right now, at least two women I know are rolling their eyes in disgust and may well be typing a scathing response to my insensitive and ignorant and wildly inaccurate impression of the Carolinas. And all this would be true. However sensitivity generally makes for bad blogging. And I'm an ass.)

Thankfully, the Marine Corps, in their infinite generosity and gratitude for my brother's thirteen years of faithful service, have tempered their terrible relocation of Captain Parisi with a six-month, all inclusive, fully-paid vacation to a more comfortable climate:

Scenic, historic, exotic...Afghanistan.

I wonder if they have snowboarding there. I bet they have a KILLER terrain park.

Our mother, as you can guess, is simply beside herself with excitement.

Needless to say, it is now MY civic responsibility to throw my brother a debaucherous bash that will hopefully end in his incarceration, delaying his departure indefinitely.

This party is currently scheduled for JULY 12. It will be at my house. And your attendance, if you know me and/or my brother, WILL BE REQUIRED.

Don't make me come over and get you. I own cuffs and I know how to use them. Or was that TMI?

That's July 12. My house. 8 PM. But anytime will work.

If you are coming from out of state, I'm happy to arrange for housing. If you share my last name or have known either of us for more than a decade, I'm happy to help arrange for airfare.

I expect plenty of food and liquor and lipstick lesbians and at least one rope swing hanging from the roof. You know, all the ingredients of a good house party.

Email invitations will arrive shortly. Arrest warrants likely to arrive shortly thereafter.

The Captain is leaving Cali. Let's make it memorable.