Dear Ms. Smokey McPuffsalot:

Although I can't understand the obsessive compulsive neuroses that causes you to sit and chain smoke a pack of Virginia Slims on the corner of 16th and Mother's Beach every week, crushing and relighting before you have finished each cigarette, but I and the rest of our neighbors here on Mother's Beach would greatly appreciate it if you would simply and graciously toss the spent and properly extinguished butts into the big, green trash receptacle sitting a mere nine inches to your right.

I have been cleaning up after you for the better part of a year, and frankly, picking up used butts grosses me out more than picking up my dog's shit after a meal of rotten chicken tamales in rancid adobe sauce.

I know I might be asking a lot considering your obviously compromised mental/emotional state. However, I do warn you that it's not impossible that SOME residents MAY begin to teach their dog(s) to poop precisely where you sit and smoke. It's certainly a possibility.

Thank you for your prompt and courteous consideration of this important matter.

Sincerely,

The residents of Newport Harbor.