Saturday, January 25, 2003
K: I always like you most in the morning.
J: ?
K: It's the only time of day you don't talk too much.
Sigh. She knows me too well.
Jim Parisi
Ernie recently asked in his positively brilliant weblog this question: "You know it's a gay superbowl when..." I tried to resist. Really, I did. Honest. But it was just too easy. And way too tempting. All those references for tight ends and wide receivers and forward passes and men in tight pants. I made it a week before breaking down.
There are more tight ends at the party than in the game.
The cooler of bud is replaced with a martini bar and some good chardonay.
There is more ass slapping at the party after a touchdown than on the field.
The sound is turned down during the game and turned up during the half time show.
Every time they zoom in for a close up shot of the snap, somebody gets a hard on.
It's a costume party!
Raging debate regarding the choreography of the cheer squad.
After the game, everyone at the party hits the showers!
I would have kept going but it was getting late. Really, Ernie, you can't tempt me like this. Gotta make it more of a challenge.
Jim Parisi
Arizona: A vast wildlife preserve for the elusive and endangered chain-smoking red-necked mulletman. The species is easily identified by it's primer gray El Camino, thin mustache, distinctive long in the back yet balding on the top plumage, and NHRA t-shirt.
Jim Parisi
Sorry for not posting yesterday. I tried to make up for it with three new posts on Thursday instead. I am on vacation in Arizona with her this weekend. Spent most of yesterday traveling. It's good to see her. We were a little apprehensive about this trip. We haven't seen each other since things fell apart back in September. It's making us cautious. Slow. Guarded. Unlike the first time around. I'm not sure what if anything will come of this. I'm also not holding onto hope or clinging to expectations. It wouldn't be fair to her, and it certainly wouldn't be smart of me. But I am enjoying her company again. It's funny how quickly you can fall back into rhythm with someone who knows you so well. Despite the history, I still like this girl. It's still so easy to view her in soft focus. To see her with gentle eyes.
Jim Parisi
Thursday, January 23, 2003
As with every other form of bigotry, I have never been able to figure out homophobia. I will never understand how straight men get so irrationally enraged at the mere presence of a homosexual. When I was an RA in college, we went through diversity training with a guy who represented the gay student union. Several of my colleagues sat in the back of room, arms folded, cursing under their breath. Hell, they offended even me. As this was the first openly gay person I had ever met, I wanted to hear his story. I had a long talk with him after the session. I walked back to the dorm with him in an attempt to understand where this fear, this hatred comes from. And it might come as a shock to those homophobic readers but he didn't even grab my ass. Not once! Shocking!
Seriously. It's not like gay men have done anything to piss of the straight community. Sure, we aren't too happy about Will and Grace, but we can live with it. They aren't competing for women, so they certainly didn't steal your girlfriend. It's not like these homophobes were getting their asses kicked by the neighborhood gay street gang. Honestly. Have you ever once met a gay bully? No gay terrorists. No masked men are running around cities forcing innocent citizens to redecorate at gun point. Though that's not a bad idea. Most people need all the help they can get. And they aren't out there recruiting like the fucking army.
Don't like getting hit on? Is that it? Come off it, ass face. Women aren't hitting on you either and most of the gay men I know wouldn't come near you if you were touring with the Village People. And if you do get hit on, so what? Women have been putting up with your bullshit pick up lines and unwelcome advances for years. Take some of your own medicine. Personally, the best pick up line ever directed at me was from a gay man. He asked me, "You're not gay are you?" "No, I'm not", I replied. "Don't worry. The first time, doesn't make you gay." Priceless. And no, it didn't work.
Someone told me it's because they find the thought of gay sex repulsive. All right. To most straight men, gay sex is repulsive. But the smell of green beans makes me want to wretch. I'm not out there shouting insults at farmers. Against your religion? Believe it's a sin? Read your book again. So is lying, cheating, fornication, and greed. Go direct some of that hatred at your politician and priest first. They are much bigger targets. I'm told that people hate what they don't understand. Ok. Most people don't understand quantum physics, but no one is out there tossing bricks at Stephen Hawking.
I don't get it. I just don't get it.
Jim Parisi
Gigi was hospitalized last week. She was very sick. Throwing up blood. She is only seven months old. I only met her once; I spent a week with her over Christmas. If I could, I would have gone through that suffering for her without even blinking an eye. It's scary just how quickly and how much you can love someone. She is all right now - thank God. It was an intestinal problem. Easily identified and resolved by the doctors. But my brother, for that long, sleepless night at the hospital, I can't imagine the stress. He is a soldier. A Marine. He is trained to fight and endure. But do they teach you to cope when your baby daughter is sick? Do they teach you to relax when the one thing you love most about the world is suffering and you can't help? I had to be the worst night of his life. I bet he would have gone through ten boot camps rather than see her sick. It's amazing watching him as a new father. How comfortable he is with the role. How confident he is around his baby. He's been a brother. A punk. A Marine. A little obnoxious shit. But I never figured just how easy he would adapt to being a father. Watching him with his little girl, I don't think I've ever been more proud of him.
Jim Parisi
Sleestacks still scare the shit out of me.
Jim Parisi
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
I feel like I have been punched in the mouth. Owww. I went to the dentist yesterday. I have great teeth. Straight. White. No cavities. Big ol' pearlies. A hygienist once told me I had the best teeth she had ever seen in her career. Product of good genetics and a great orthodontist and two years of pubescent anxiety. But lately the gums could use a little work. I apparently brush too hard. Over zealous I suppose. The dentist can see this. She knows this. I open my mouth, she sees my gums are puffy. She knows, as a dentist, that if a person has puffy gums and she begins poking and proding and stabbing and scraping them with a sharp metal object, said gums are going to bleed. And cause lots of discomfort. Hell, they will hurt like a bitch. With that in mind, isn't there some rinse, some lidocaine, a big tumbler of ambesol she can give me BEFORE they start mining for tartar? How about the happy gas? Can I get a little of that first? Or are all dentists just masochists behind the little green mask?
Jim Parisi
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Apparently I'm not the only person who likes to mock this bastard. Google is full of Tilton bashers. Amen my brothers and sisters. Amen.
Jim Parisi
Speaking of televangelists, whatever happened to Reverend Robert Tilton anyway? He was a positively vile televangelist based in Dallas with a huge studio and mansion. He had the hardest hair helmet in history and spent hours daily convincing suckers in that God would reward them financially if they only made a $1000 "vow of faith" to his ministry. He was a plague on the downtrodden. A while ago he was under investigation for all kinds of wrong doings. Shocking, isn't it? Eternal demonic sodomization is too good for this putz. I tell you the hottest place in hell must be reserved for the shysters who use the name of God to steal from the desperate in order to line their own purses.
Jim Parisi
Monday, January 20, 2003
Ever watch TBN, the Trinity Broadcasting Network? It's that station for Christian broadcasting and extracting money from poor southern people too ignorant to know any better. Even check out how those televangelists dress? I've seen pimps and gangsters with less flash. Yep. That's what Jesus would do: wear a shiny, green, silk, pinstripe, double-breasted suit with more gold jewelry than Sammy Davis Jr. God rest his heathen Jewish soul. Same can be said about the sets. I've been to casinos that are more subtle. What would Jesus do? He would hire a new friggin decorator I think. And I'm wondering, where in the new testament does it say that no hair should move on a faithful head? Are you trying to look good for the Lord during the storms of the apocalypse? Or are you just elevating your do to get closer to God? I wonder how much hair spray they go through on that network. The sum total of Aqua-Net used in every girl's locker room during the 80's isn't as much as what TBN burns through in one night of broadcasting. I'm beginning to think that the hole in the ozone layer can be directly attributed to televangelists. And maybe Jimmy Johnson.
Jim Parisi
Where do we get helium from? Seriously. Think about it. It's inert. It's a gas. It's lighter than air so any that escapes is going straight to the upper atmosphere. The only way I know to make it is through nuclear fusion. So where do we get the stuff for all those helium balloons? And since it can't be produced (at least not that I am aware of), does that make it a finite resource? Are we one day gonna run out of helium? Does anyone know? Send me an email if you know the answer to this little question.
The answer, by the way, from one of our friendly chemist readers, its that helium is found with natural gas deposits, and although it is the second most common element in the universe, once we use it up, it's gone for good. Maybe we better think twice about using it to make funny noises at birthday parties.
Jim Parisi
